Dear Teenager,
I just want to let you know that I feel so privileged that you shared as much as you did with me today. That took guts. I can see that you are very strong and you're a survivor. You've taken shitty circumstances and made them work for you so far. But you're also lonely.
I know that when G asked you to look into Jesus eyes and the demon's eyes, you didn't want to. I know you were afraid that if you saw their eyes, the choice would be obvious and you're afraid of making that choice. What's more, I know that I didn't help, either, by being afraid of what your choice would mean for me. Screw the consequences for me. You deserve to have a voice. You deserve to have a life. You deserve to be known...if that's what you want. You deserve to be safe.
You and I both know very well that where you're at now is not safe. Being between them and the others is no protection at all. But you don't even have to see Jesus' eyes to know that He's good and full of love. That He's safe. You can feel it just by Him being close to you. He's been close to you for a long time. But you're afraid that the people with Him will reject you. Especially if they know what you know. And what you've been involved in.
I will not reject you. I repeat. I will NOT reject you. No matter what it was. I want to know what they did to you. I want to know what they made you do. Whatever they told you, it wasn't your fault. I admit that I'm afraid I'll be rejected by those who love me. When they find stuff out, they won't be able to look at me, or I'll be exposed to others. But maybe we can take this one step at a time. I'll listen to you and I'll risk it with one person. Just one. And if that goes okay, we'll tell one more. It's scary for me to say it, but I will risk their rejection so that I can have you. You are more important than any other person. There has been no one there for you ever before, but I will be the first. This is public, so there's no going back for me. Whatever comes, I will stand by you.
And now you have two hands extended to you...mine and Jesus'. You think that "thing" whose hand your holding is safe. At least known. But I can tell you from experience, it's not. It's a liar. It makes you think that it won't hurt you, only other people, but it's really feeding off your cutting. The cutting makes its hold on you stronger. I can tell that you really don't want to let go of its hand. That's okay. You think it follows you around because it cares about you in some way, like a dog. But that is soooo not true. It's connected to you and it won't let you go, not unless you take hold of Jesus' hand. Or mine.
Just know that when you're ready, Jesus and I are here. We will never force you into anything. And we will protect you. We will love you. We will never leave you. And there are other parts who can't wait. They're excited. They've been watching you for a long time, wanting to comfort you and be your friends. There's safety where they're at. Maybe that's a middle ground for you right now. Be with other ones inside. Let them teach you about how to really be safe with Jesus, and how to guard yourself against the hurt that can come from people's ignorance.
I love you with all my heart. I said it earlier, but I just feel like I need to say it again. I WILL NOT REJECT YOU...EVER!
Waiting expectantly,
me
1/18/06 9:00 a.m.
I finished this letter about 8 hours ago and finally went to bed, exhausted, at 1:30 am. I lay awake, searching out this precious part of myself to see if she had any reaction to my letter. I found her quickly and she said two things. "I was there," and "I saw what they did." Then she proceeded to let me see a very brief image, that is still not clear, but was an indicator of her willingness to trust me, and in turn trust those in whom I have placed my trust. Some of you know who you are.
While this was happening, I suddenly realized that the surroundings in which I had seen her earlier, had changed. She was no longer in "no man's land" between them (the cult) and the others (those who call themselves Christians). She had let go of the demon's hand and grabbed hold of both mine and Jesus' hands. It happened so quickly and imperceptibly that I didn't even realize what had transpired until it was over. The demon was left, standing by itself. I stood behind my teenager with arms wrapped around her, and Jesus stood by our side, His arm draped protectively over my shoulder.
I told that demon it had to leave, asked my teenager if she agreed and all she could do was nod her assent. That was enough. One look from Jesus and it was gone. It went back to "them." One more tie with the group has been severed. I am in awe at how quickly, how smoothly, and how thorough Jesus is.
What's just as amazing is the response of the younger parts inside. They range from little kids to older teens. They cheered and practically dragged this teenager into their midst to hug her and congratulate her and welcome her. The contrast was striking. Every one of them had on white shirts and shorts or pants, while she was in dark, dirty clothes. They didn't care. They had once been dressed like her, too. Her dirty clothes will be traded out for white ones like theirs. She's found a family. She's found a place where she's safe.
Only Jesus could accomplish something this huge. Only Jesus could create those connections. Only Jesus could have been working for a very long time behind the scenes to make all the necessary preparations. Only Jesus can transcend all that hinders and holds back. Only Jesus' love could make all of it happen.
Jesus - my teenager and I thank you!
And for those of you who are pray-ers, please pray that she'll feel safe enough to tell what she knows because I think she will play an important role in bringing the enemy to his knees.
