Confusion, Trust, Refining
D and I have been talking again. Instead of only a three day fast, the Lord had me fasting indefinitely, until "it" was broken. The difficulty and stretch for my faith was wondering what "it" was and would I truly know when I was to cease fasting. It turned out to be fear that I was coming against and the fast lasted all of passion week, ending during the Easter morning service. How appropriate. I cannot say that the victory has been manifested in the earth realm, and there is still prayer required. In fact, I find myself using my prayer language regularly, at times that I don't expect, and I know it is for him. So many tears have been shed. But not over my own feelings. Rather, they are for his total release and fullness of living a life of freedom in Christ.
In reading "Angels on Assignment" by Roland Buck, I realized that God's plans WILL come to pass here on this earth. He does not cease working and orchestrating events to bring them to pass. While never stepping on men's and women's freedom to choose, He will continue to hedge them in on every side in an effort to guide and direct their paths. In this I can rest.
I found it confounding that during my time of fasting and prayer, I was coming against fear in D's life and the very next week, I was combatting it within myself. I have been challenged to let go of my expectations. To let go of my need to manipulate the situation for the outcome I desire. To let go of my need for sexual validation to confirm that I am cared for and loved. To let go of any subtle urges to sabotage the situation, as well.
God has been speaking to me throughout this testing. And that's what it truly is...a testing. It is stretching me in ways I never thought. He has told me repeatedly to "Watch and wait." Sometimes He adds, "watch what I will do; watch me move," or "watch and wait with me one hour." Another time when I was crying out to him because I was afraid that D and I were disconnecting from one another, He told me, "I know your heart's desire and my intention is to give it to you." I found myself afraid to know what my heart's true desire really is. If it is for D, then there are obstacles to be overcome. And hurts along the way, as well.
I am lacking understanding regarding my urge to sabotage this friendship/relationship. It would be so much easier to walk away and return to a life focused on my own growth and answering to no one other than God. Now, I find myself wondering about my status with D. Are we simply friends? If so, then I am free to pursue other interests, including other potential relationships. I find myself attracted to a friend, but I hesitate to act on that attraction for fear of losing the possibility with D. Now, another male friend may need a place to stay for a while due to problems in his marriage, and I offered my spare room. When I shared that with D, he kept reiterating that this friend should just find an apartment. He quickly ended our phone conversation to check on his kids, with the promise of calling me back. However, he did not. Am I reading too much into this? Am I being paranoid? Am I looking for every little bit of evidence to support my fear that D will once again retreat from fear? Was my premature offer to my friend and then my excited relaying of the same to D a way of testing D or pushing him to stake his claim?
I can feel my anxiety rising and it appears that I am powerless to halt its inevitable crescendo. But appearance is not truth. The truth of the matter is that God is in control and regardless of my failings or successes, what is going to happen will be a direct result of His continued involvement. I must step back and keep my eyes focused on Him. My prayer language has been utilized more in this relationship than at any other time, save for the satanic attack on our church body a few years ago. I find myself losing sight, at times, of the enormous battle that is taking place. I do not know all that is taking place in the spirit realm, but it is of importance. Rather than focusing on my own life and attempting differentiation on my own, I must remember my place as a person in the Lord's army, acting on His orders, and making all decisions and formulating my thinking and planning based upon His grand plan, whatever that may be.
In reading "Angels on Assignment" by Roland Buck, I realized that God's plans WILL come to pass here on this earth. He does not cease working and orchestrating events to bring them to pass. While never stepping on men's and women's freedom to choose, He will continue to hedge them in on every side in an effort to guide and direct their paths. In this I can rest.
I found it confounding that during my time of fasting and prayer, I was coming against fear in D's life and the very next week, I was combatting it within myself. I have been challenged to let go of my expectations. To let go of my need to manipulate the situation for the outcome I desire. To let go of my need for sexual validation to confirm that I am cared for and loved. To let go of any subtle urges to sabotage the situation, as well.
God has been speaking to me throughout this testing. And that's what it truly is...a testing. It is stretching me in ways I never thought. He has told me repeatedly to "Watch and wait." Sometimes He adds, "watch what I will do; watch me move," or "watch and wait with me one hour." Another time when I was crying out to him because I was afraid that D and I were disconnecting from one another, He told me, "I know your heart's desire and my intention is to give it to you." I found myself afraid to know what my heart's true desire really is. If it is for D, then there are obstacles to be overcome. And hurts along the way, as well.
I am lacking understanding regarding my urge to sabotage this friendship/relationship. It would be so much easier to walk away and return to a life focused on my own growth and answering to no one other than God. Now, I find myself wondering about my status with D. Are we simply friends? If so, then I am free to pursue other interests, including other potential relationships. I find myself attracted to a friend, but I hesitate to act on that attraction for fear of losing the possibility with D. Now, another male friend may need a place to stay for a while due to problems in his marriage, and I offered my spare room. When I shared that with D, he kept reiterating that this friend should just find an apartment. He quickly ended our phone conversation to check on his kids, with the promise of calling me back. However, he did not. Am I reading too much into this? Am I being paranoid? Am I looking for every little bit of evidence to support my fear that D will once again retreat from fear? Was my premature offer to my friend and then my excited relaying of the same to D a way of testing D or pushing him to stake his claim?
I can feel my anxiety rising and it appears that I am powerless to halt its inevitable crescendo. But appearance is not truth. The truth of the matter is that God is in control and regardless of my failings or successes, what is going to happen will be a direct result of His continued involvement. I must step back and keep my eyes focused on Him. My prayer language has been utilized more in this relationship than at any other time, save for the satanic attack on our church body a few years ago. I find myself losing sight, at times, of the enormous battle that is taking place. I do not know all that is taking place in the spirit realm, but it is of importance. Rather than focusing on my own life and attempting differentiation on my own, I must remember my place as a person in the Lord's army, acting on His orders, and making all decisions and formulating my thinking and planning based upon His grand plan, whatever that may be.
posted by WarriorBride at 12:06 AM
1 Comments:
Wonderful post on living by faith! I wonder though that what is the motivation to let another man Married as well, live under the same roof as you, not that you will sleep with him, but is it something that you really ought to be doing? even though we have freedom in Christ, does this shine a good light to others? and to the D you speak of, what others think can lead to more problems, your D is correct in that the married man should get an motel room or room with a male friend. I am just offering some free unsoliciting advice.......please forgive my boldness.
blessings
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