A I Corinthians 13 Kind of Love

I've wrestled with the ideas contained in this post because it seems counter intuitive to what I want. If the reader will bear with me, without judgment, maybe we can get through this together.

I Corinthians 13:4-8a describes how unconditional love looks. Each concept contained in it has the potential to (and probably should be)be broken down and an operational definition applied but that is NOT what I'm going to do here. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

My Significant Other (SO) was (and is) an amazing guy, but not without his faults. I took my time letting myself fall in love with him because I didn't want to rush into a relationship without knowing fully what I was getting into. To see the twinkle in his eye as we spent time together, made me feel wonderful and so deeply loved. He a growing relationship with God, and he he was a combination of all the things I'd been hoping and praying for since my divorce. 

Six months into our relationship, I went to an out-of-state professional conference where there was a possibility of running into someone I had once been involved with, but with whom I'd eliminated contact since my SO was uncomfortable with it and saw, with good reason, a potential threat to our relationship. I had unfinished business that apparently needed closure, even though I didn't know it at the time. I'll get back to that.

My SO was not without his own baggage that had reared it's ugly head within the first couple of months of moving in together. For the most part, from the time he was a teen until he met me, he'd been betrayed be each woman he'd been with. His hypervigilance helped create the environment for what was to come.

At Christmas time, my boss threw an annual fundraising Christmas party, which I attended alone, because my SO, who was on house arrest at the time, had violated his parole again, and had lost the privilege to come. (I didn't know he'd had permission until after the fact - a pattern I have noticed in reviewing today's circumstances.) When I returned home from the party, at a very reasonable hour, he had been drinking with his mother because it was her birthday, and he wanted to, bluntly put, stick a finger inside me to see if I'd been cheating on him. I was mortified and when I became offended, he became angry. 

This wasn't the first time his jealousy, had caused problems. I had a male friend who had seen me through a few difficult times and kept pointing me back towards the Lord in every circumstance. My SO's insecurities made it next to impossible to keep this friend because it would create an argument any time there was contact.

Back to what happened out-of-state a few months later at the conference... I had successfully managed to avoid the Potential Threat (PT) until the second to last night of the conference. The annual dinner dance was attended by most people, myself and the two friends I'd attended with, included. We ran into a fourth friend that we'd see each year and the four of us enjoyed a few drinks. When I returned from using the restroom, there was PT, sitting at our table. Everyone knew everyone, but no one knew that PT and I had a past. I panicked and didn't know how to extricate myself from the situation without it raising eyebrows, so I sat down and the group was now at five. 

Typically, after the festivities, many people would find local bars to continue drinking and talking, usually until the early morning hours. It was a way of blowing off steam and having fun. The group of five was joined by five or six others I didn't know and set off for one of the hole-in-the-wall drinking establishments. The two friends I'd traveled and been rooming with decided to leave and go back to our hotel around midnight or 1 am. I didn't want to leave with them, primarily because I needed a break from THEM. The "fourth friend" we would see each year had promised to walk me back to my hotel because the neighborhood wasn't safe.

I stayed behind and as that friend got drunker with his friends, the PT and I started to chat and catch up on each others' lives. There was a brief period of about 20 minutes, where the old attraction started to come up and I knew that if I had given any indication that I was willing, heading back to his hotel room would have absolutely been a go. I excused myself and went to the restroom and took the time to look myself in the mirror and ask the most important  relational question of my life up until that time: "WHAT DO I WANT? A QUICK ROLL IN THE HAY, WHICH WILL GO NOWHERE AND END MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SO OR A FUTURE WITH THE BEST GUY I'VE KNOWN? AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO AS A CHRISTIAN?" I knew the answer and decided for the best guy with a future. 

I rejoined the group, who was even drunker, and realized that I was not going to have my bodyguard walking me back to my hotel. While I'd been drinking and was far from drunk, I wasn't used to being in this kind of setting and this kind of situation. I didn't have an arsenal of ideas to tell me what to do, so I asked PT to walk me back to my hotel, since he was stone-cold sober. (In retrospect, asking the bartender to call me a cab would have been the way to go. This was all new to me.) The lobby of this hotel was huge and there were still quite a few people sitting around in small groups talking, despite the hour. (Remember, my roomies had left around 1 am.) We grabbed a couple of chairs and finished catching up with him. We talked about our respective relationships and he was genuinely happy that I'd found someone who made me feel so loved. Around 3 am, we gave each other a quick hug and a chaste peck on the cheek and said good night.

Around 11 the next morning, my SO called and woke me from a dead sleep, and I realized I was dealing with a slight hangover. At the time, I was unprepared to initiate a conversation about what had happened the night before so I waited until the afternoon. I planned to tell him because I believe in complete honesty. I was thankful to God and overjoyed to know that I had faced temptation, worked through it, and been set free. 

When I did talk to him again, I was sitting on the hallway floor of the conference center, with hundreds of people milling about, and telling him the truth...that I had run into PT, spent time with him in a group, he'd walked me back to my hotel lobby where we continued our conversation and said good night. My SO's reaction was so violent and unexpected - he was convinced I'd slept with PT. There was no calming him down or reasoning with him at that point, and panic set in. I realized that if I didn't fly home early to try to fix this, it was going to disintegrate. Talking by phone was impossible; I became so hopeless and helpless, I was feeling suicidal. What was the point? He wasn't going to believe me. I even called my therapist, but he wasn't available at the time

I paid the surcharge and changed my flight, navigating an airport for the first time by myself, so I could get home to rectify the situation and assure him that it wasn't what he thought. When I arrived home, he'd been snorting cocaine and was angrier than I'd ever seen him. He wouldn't listen to anything I was trying to say, and I was a cheater in his eyes. I kept trying to say that I hadn't done anything wrong and that was my second mistake. The first being that I spent time with PT. After hours of trying to convince him of my fidelity and that he didn't need to feel the way he was feeling, it started to sink in that, I could have handled things differently, and even spending time with an ex the way I did, while on the up and up, was a betrayal of his trust. I was finally able to go from panic mode, to empathy mode, and acknowledged the way he was feeling. 

After several weeks fraught with not knowing if our relationship was over, it seemed that we had settled back into our way of doing things, so I started breathing a sigh of relief. That is not the end of this story, but only the beginning. Even as I write this, I feel anger rising within me at my SO for not believing me and not forgiving me, even six years later.

Ever since, I've become a  pretzel, playing a mental game of twister (right foot blue, left hand yellow) in an attempt to demonstrate my love and trustworthiness, to no avail. I've become bitter over the years at the questions that sound more like accusations, and the anger that comes as a result of nothing more than his worries, suspicions, and mistrust. Worse, I've become a shell of who I once was. I have lost my voice, afraid to speak about anything or disagree, because it seems to confirm that I'm guilty.

After yet another fight this past weekend, I finally worked up the courage, or maybe it's a "what have I got to lose?" attitude and asked him how long he's been ready to walk and why. His response was a two-fold charge and my actions, tone, attitude, have all continued to condemn because because they're filtered through this lens of guilt, instead of the truth and I'm bitter and resentful at never having been given any time off for good behavior. 

Let's review the two primary charges, both of which I've been found guilty of and condemned to a life sentence and continued punishment:

THE DEFENDANT HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF CHEATING (innocent, your honor)
THE DEFENDANT HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF BEING DEFENSIVE AND MINIMIZING THE PLAINTIFF'S FEELINGS (guilty as charged)

How does all this tie into I Corinthians 13? After realizing I'm still in jail and without serious help, will remain here, I needed to explore the real meaning of love and what it looks like. I don't believe he loves me in this way. Rather, it is conditioned upon how we get along, how I respond to him (or worse, react), and whether there is something that reminds him of my guilt. He would die for me. He would crawl across glass for me. Much of what he does is for me/us. This still isn't the kind of love God wants for us. He wants the kind of love for us that keeps no record of wrongs. He wants the kind of love that hopes and trusts and perseveres and believes the best

I've been just as guilty of failure in many of these areas, but the one thing I've worked on time and time again has been forgiving him for the many offenses he's committed. It seems wrong to bring them all up here, but the purpose is two-fold. First, I need to regain my voice and actually talk about the impact his sins have had on me, and second, to forgive on a much deeper love. 

Over the years I've forgiven him for:

NOT CONTROLLING HIS TEMPER/MOUTH AND GETTING FIRED FROM A JOB WHERE HE WAS QUICKLY ADVANCING.

CUTTING ME OFF FROM MALE FRIENDS WHO WERE NOT A THREAT

USING COCAINE HALF A DOZEN TIMES AND NOT TELLING ME UNTIL AFTER THE FACT, TWICE WHILE ON PAROLE, ONE OF WHICH ALMOST RESULTED IN HIS GOING BACK TO PRISON

DRINKING WHILE ON PAROLE AND NOT BEING ABLE TO COME TO CHURCH WITH ME AND OTHER IMPORTANT EVENTS LIKE THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

SMOKING POT WHILE ON PAROLE, DROPPING DIRTY, AND BEING SENT BACK TO PRISON FOR THREE MONTHS, WHICH PUT A HUGE FINANCIAL STRAIN ON ME BECAUSE I STAYED TO CARE FOR HIS MOTHER AND INTELLECTUALLY DISABLED SISTER, WHILE RENTING MY PLACE TO HIS COUSIN WHO DIDN'T HONOR OUR FINANCIAL AGREEMENT.

FOR NOT GETTING CREDIT TOWARDS GOOD BEHAVIOR FOR SPENDING AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY AND TIME VISITING HIM WHILE HE WAS LOCKED UP

FORGETTING AND BEING UNAPPRECIATIVE OF THE THREE JOBS I WORKED TO SUPPORT US, WHILE HE MADE BAD FINANCIAL DECISIONS THAT RESULTED IN LOSING MY HOME AND FUTURE INVESTMENT

PUTTING PLEASURES ABOVE BILLS TO SECURE OUR FUTURE

PAYING FOR HIS MOM TO COME AND STAY WITH US WITHOUT AN END DATE AND HAVING TO PAY FOR EVERYTHING WHILE SHE WAS WITH US, WHILE I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD A WEEKEND OR AN OVERNIGHT

ALLOWING ME TO CARRY THE STRESS OF SEEING OUR BILLS GO UNPAID BECAUSE HE DIDN'T MAKE A POINT TO BE INVOLVED IN OUR FINANCES EXCEPT TO DECIDE WHAT HOW HE WANTED TO SPEND BOTH THE MONEY HE MADE AND WHAT I MADE

FORGETTING THAT I HAD A HUGELY IMPORTANT LICENSING EXAM THAT WOULD DETERMINE MY FUTURE FINANCIALLY AND CAREER-WISE AND STARTING A KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT FIGHT THE MORNING OF, BECAUSE HE JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT A FINANCIAL MATTER, RESULTING IN MY FAILING THE EXAM

NOT PAYING THE RENT WHEN HE HAD THE MONEY, RESULTING IN OUR BEING THREE MONTHS BEHIND

LEAVING HIS DISHES AND MESSES FOR ME TO CLEAN UP AND NEVER EVEN NOTICING

BEING UPSET WITH ME WHEN I GO THROUGH AND STRAIGHTEN UP OUR HOME TO KEEP IT FROM LOOKING TRASHY AND BECOMING TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

LETTING MY SNAKE DIE BECAUSE MONEY WAS SO TIGHT AND PLEASURE WAS MORE IMPORTANT 

NOT BEING INVESTED IN KEEPING OUR HOME RUNNING SMOOTHLY

DRINKING, SMOKING POT AND CRACK, AND AMBUSHING ME WITH ALL KIND OF ACCUSATIONS AT 10 PM AFTER I'D WORKED AN EIGHT HOUR DAY AND KEEPING ME AWAKE UNTIL 4 AM, NOT KNOWING IF HE WAS ENDING THINGS AND SHUTTING ME OUT.

REPEATED ACCUSATIONS OF AFFAIRS WITH VARIOUS MEN FROM LANDLORDS TO NEIGHBORS TO OUR WEED DEALERS

NOT BELIEVING ME THAT I WAS GUILTLESS WHEN ONE OF HIS FRIENDS TRIED TO START SOMETHING WITH ME AND STILL GOING TO HIM REGULARLY TO GET HIS WEED

NOT MAKING MY CAREER A PRIORITY, ESPECIALLY WHEN I STARTED MY OWN BUSINESS, EVEN THOUGH I'D SUPPORTED HIM UNCONDITIONALLY AND PRACTICALLY FINANCED THE EARLY STAGES OF HIS

OVERPOWERING ME WITH THE AMOUNT OF WORDS, VOLUME, AND TONE TO KEEP ME FROM SPEAKING 

CALLING ME NAMES AND TELLING ME TO SHUT UP ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS

ACCUSING ME OF HIDING MONEY WHEN EVERY CENT I MADE UP UNTIL I STARTED MY OWN BUSINESS LAST YEAR WENT INTO HIS ACCOUNT

CALLING HIS MONEY HIS MONEY AND NOT AFFORDING ME THE SAME

EMBARRASSING ME IN PUBLIC AND IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WE KNOW BY TALKING DOWN TO ME, DEMEANING ME, AND MAKING ACCUSATIONS

NOT TAKING THE TIME TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I'M COMING FROM OR ALL OF THE INFORMATION THAT GOES INTO WHAT I SAY, THINK, AND DO. THERE ARE ASSUMPTIONS AND CONCLUSIONS THAT AREN'T DRAWN FROM FACTS


I feel like weeping as I go through and list his wrongs because there have been many and I don't want to remember them. Now I understand why God has me making the list...He needs me to go deeper in forgiving my husband. 

I know he has his own list. I can't fight that list anymore. He's going to do what he does, and that's between him and God. 

Am I defensive? Absolutely. Do I have an attitude? Yes. Do I have a chip on my shoulder? You betcha. 

That's not where I want to stay. The way I've gone about things has been disastrous for us. While I didn't bring up his offenses to him, thinking that I was being forgiving, I did take each one as information and change how I viewed him, along with how I reacted towards him. 

I want to be in a marriage where I know we forgive each other and I'm not consistently fighting against unforgiveness for his love. I want to know that my husband is working diligently to be patient and kind with me, isn't seeking only what he wants, but what's best for our family, who doesn't get angry with me on a daily basis when I mess up (because as much as I try not to, I will), who doesn't hold my sins against me, who protects me not just from the world, but from himself, who trusts me, who has hope for a better future for our relationship, who hangs in there and doesn't threaten to leave because he's fed up. 

I have a lot of work ahead of me, to change all of the bad habits I've developed over the six and a half years of our relationship. We have a lot of stuff to work through and I don't know if he is interested in changing anything about himself. I will continue to work on me, submit myself to the Lord's scrutiny, and allow Him to challenge me, correct me, humble me. Help me, Oh Lord, to forgive my husband completely and more importantly, CHANGE ME!

A Psalm

This past Saturday, after yet another argument with my significant other (SO), I found out that a friend from high school, with whom I'd been close on Facebook, died unexpectedly that morning. I was already in quite a vulnerable state, since my relationship seemed so rocky and I was feeling incredibly confused about what I'd done wrong...again.

I broke down and wept, ready to give up on life and trying to wrap my mind around why so much was going wrong at the same time. Earlier in the week, we had applied with a local organization for financial aid to help with our rent. The situation was not hopeful, despite my best efforts and the hours of work I had invested to make sure all the necessary paperwork was complete. This, only days after being released from the hospital and far from full health and strength. 

Both of our businesses (we're self-employed) were falling apart, despite what I thought I'd heard from God about establishing mine within a year. That deadline is April 1st. Despite everything I'd done, clients were disappearing and my income was dropping significantly. Where was the establishing He'd promised?!

While talking to another classmate, an hour after the initial news, I was told that another person from school, with whom I'd talked a few times about very serious matters, had died the prior month. I fell apart and wanted to revert back to my old addictive habit of cutting to numb the pain. Thoughts of suicide were not far off. I wanted to run away, disappear, start over, and stop feeling.

While this battle raged within me, there were the competing thoughts that, all of this was an attempt to stop what was happening for the Kingdom of God. I started a small prayer circle via text with three friends from my old church less than a month ago. The Lord had renewed a passion for intercession and fighting through prayer for heaven's will to be done here on earth. At the same time, my SO returned to a men's group and was growing in his knowledge and understanding of, and relationship with all three parts of the Trinity. I was excited and hopeful, and knew that God was working in both our lives. These trials were designed to prepare and strengthen me, and I was hoping US, for the works of the Kingdom. The question running through my mind was, "How am I going to go through this? Will I let the enemy of my soul detour me and take me away from where my God was leading me? Would I stop praying and fighting because the price was too high?" I knew my answer would eventually be, "Hell, NO!" but I had to go through the questions to get there.

Feeling alone, I picked up my journal and what came out was a Psalm that flowed without thought but full of feeling and as I wrote, I wondered if this was the way it happened for David. This is that Psalm.

Lord, I am beaten, down, on the verge of giving up, quitting, running away. The enemy has been trying to run me off, make me disappear from the face of the earth, no longer useful in spreading the truth of who you are and setting captives free. He wants to see me dead, or at the very least, disabled. Why do I keep fighting? Why do I keep trying? 

I will fight as long as there is breath in my body. I can't go back. As much as I might want to, I can't. Back is death. Back is loss. Forward is victory, no matter the outcome. 

The person I depend on the most has forsaken me, left me for dead. My best friend has turned his back on me, seeing me now as an enemy. Restore me, Oh Lord! Bring back the joy we once shared. Do battle for me, Lord. Do not let the enemy encroach any further. 

Enough! Oh God! How much more can I take? How much is enough to accomplish your purposes, your will? Why do you not act? Why do you not move heaven and earth to help me? Where are you? Why do you delay? Where is your hope? Your peace? Where is your salvation? 

Act now, Oh Lord, to save! Come quickly to rescue us! How long do we have to stay in the grave? How long will death rule over us? How can we move in power when we are dead? Do you care? Are you working? 

I don't know what you're doing but I cling to you. Who else can I turn to? Who else has the power, the authority to act? You alone are ruler of heaven and earth. You alone are above all things and sit as judge on your throne. Seated above all things, you judge right and wrong. You as perfect judge, can decide in my favor. You alone can order my enemy to cease and desist. You alone can set all things right. I entreat you, Judge of the Universe, to battle for us. Set us free, Oh God! Silence the accuser. Slam him into the ground and make him turn tail and run. Run him off in your great power. 

Act quickly, Oh Lord! My strength is failing. My eyes are swollen with tears. My body aches from shaking. Where are you, my Father?! Why do you leave us to rot? Can we do any good if we are corpses? Because we are dying. The enemy has been having a field day, capitalizing on all of our hurts, fears, and sin. He knows all the buttons to push. 

But you know those buttons all too well. You can turn him away and seal off the buttons. You can take the buttons away through your great power. Your fame goes before you. Your reputation speaks for you.

So why do we not see the One behind the history, the testimonies, behind the great works you did when you were here? Do you care less about your people and your creation than you did then? Do you care less about us than you did about your people Israel? You rescued them time and time again with miracles so great that your fame was made known to all the nations. Are we not important to you? How can we be any good to you if you don't show up? 

You said you would take care of us. You said you would fight for us. You said you have overcome the world. If we are hated because of you, then we need your power to move through this world. Save us, Oh Lord! Move in power! Rescue us! Make us strong enough to survive the plots and plans and snares of the enemy. Restore to me my family, my best friend. 

Search me, Oh Lord, and wherever there is sin, eradicate it. Humble me. Make me to seek your will and your ways. Strengthen me to stand, Make me run towards you, towards the battle line. 

Do not let me be put to shame. Do not humiliate me in front of my enemies. You promised a feast in the Valley of Death in front of those who seek to destroy me. 

Give me your plans and vision, Oh Lord! Infuse me with more power, more strength. Plant me firmly in good soil on the banks of your River of Life. Let me drink deeply of your life-giving water that satisfies and restores my soul. 

You say that goodness and mercy will follow me all my life. Where are they? I'm being chased all over by fear and hate instead. Where are your guards? Where are those you assigned to protect me? Why do I keep missing you? Why do I not hear you clearly? Why does resurrection not come? Where is your truth that sets us free? Where is your abundant life? 

I will keep seeking you, always. I don't understand your ways. They are too glorious to comprehend. With my last breath I will praise you. Even when I am close to death, I will still seek you.

The enemy wants to kill me, to steal from me, to destroy me. You came to destroy him, so do it! Why do you wait? My strength is failing and I've all but resigned myself that the enemy will keep trying, over and over and over again. 

Take my tears, for they are many, and add them to the bowls filled with my prayers. Let them soften you to move NOW! I wait for your salvation. I wait for you to move. I will perish, and my world, too, if you don't act now. Show me who you are. Reveal yourself to me. 

Show me that you care for me as much as you did your son. Am I not an adopted daughter? Do I not have the same hopes and expectations and permission to enter your presence? Do I not move you to compassion for me, for us? You alone are our salvation. Only you can win this battle. Do what you need to do but only if you will strengthen me and bring your peace.     March 19, 2016


On March 21, in my daily time alone with the Lord, I was scheduled to read Psalm 30 out of The Message Bible. The Lord was gracious in letting me know He heard my cries.


I give you all the credit, Yahweh - 
you got me out of that mess, 
you didn't let my foes gloat.

Yahweh, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
Yahweh, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chnce at life
when I was down and out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts our to Yahweh!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm Yahweh's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain." 
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, Yahweh;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
Yahweh, my God,
I can't thank you enough