Waiting on the Lord...

I find it so difficult to trust whatever it is that the Lord is trying to do here in my life. As I talked about in a previous post, I have been communicating with D, a person from my past, someone I went to school with from kindergarten through twelfth grade. He remembers us hanging out as kids, how scary my dad was, and that nobody was ever allowed in my house, all things that I cannot remember at all. But I trust his memories. Checking around inside, I find that everyone trusts him, with the exception of a part who calls herself Julia. This man was actually able to have a one-on-one conversation with her and all he asked is that she give him the benefit of the doubt. His intentions were not to hurt me.

After the initial revelation about the ritual abuse and DID, he took some time to process it but came back stronger than ever. He made a conscious decision that I should not have to pay for the sins of my parents. He realized that there were obstacles to be overcome, but he admitted that he really liked me and wanted to see where things would lead. We've spent hours talking. The level of honesty was amazing. Our communication was of the kind that I've never known before.

It has become necessary for him to seek sole custody of his kids because of issues with their mother. He's such a devoted father and feels things so deeply that it hurts him to take them away from their mother. He's hoping to also receive permission to move back here to be near family. The custody issue alone is a huge deal and emotionally draining. It brings with it a lot of unknowns and a restriction on his personal time that he would have devoted to getting to know me better.

Just finished chatting with him online and according to him, there is no possibility of anything developing. He feels badly about it, but after talking to friends, family, and his pastor, he believes that his focus must be on home and his boys. I agree. He just doesn't realize that I would be an asset to the process. We've agreed to be friends, and I can live with that. How can I do that, you may ask? B/c the Spirit of God in me is what attracts someone, and all I have to do is be myself.

Our chat continued. Things are completely messed up. He knows I'm angry and hurt. He's feeling stressed about a reservation that I made when we were supposed to be meeting up. He lacks the maturity to have an adult friendship with me at this point. He doesn't know how it works. It's so sad. And what's even worse is that I really think that God has been trying to orchestrate a relationship between us and his fear is what keeps it from happening. Now my own anger and hurt is what's likely to keep it from happening. I keep praying for a supernatural intervention, like Joseph received the angelic visitation telling him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife. The Lord has called me to fast the next three days and that includes fasting from contacting him. I don't know WHY God's asking me to do that. Things seem pretty hopeless at this point. He said that the friendship needs to find it's footing. I agree. But hey, at least it frees me up to move on with my life until he figures things out...does it? I don't know, now. If God wants us to be together, then should I wait for it to happen? Or should I move forward and God will bring him to his senses and it'll work out even if I've moved on? I still keep hearing God saying, "Watch and wait." He's been saying that all along. So I don't try to manipulate anything on my own.

D has issues. Of that I'm becoming more aware. He struggles with the fact that I have piercings...oh brother! My eyebrow and tongue are pierced. Big deal! he has problems with the fact that I have goth characteristics and appreciation for it's culture. He was a part of the dark side of that culture. He has a problem with the fact that I have abuse issues in my past. He's an interesting mix of conservative and liberal. He still thinks that one should dress up for church, but is angered that many in the church villify the homosexual lifestyle.

Today W&C prayed for me. They prayed that I would have only God's very best for me. I thought that D was it. He possessed so many of the qualities and characteristics that I have desired for so long. But if he's not God's best, then wow! whoever that is is gonna be absolutely fantastic.

And I talked with Hawaii Boy online earlier today. I miss him. He's been such a good friend and he really gets me. He admires me and appreciates who I am. He let me know that I have had an influence on his life in a positive way. I keep praying that he would find his way to the Lord. I think he's close. He expressed a desire to have a faith like mine, but he doesn't "feel" it. I think that he's envious of my confidence in my faith and how it guides me. His marriage is just about over. He's going to end it sooner rather then later. It would be difficult to stay away from him if he were single. Although he doesn't know Christ, his love and concern are intoxicating. Perhaps more so right now b/c I'm hurting from D's rejection.

Joel Osteen is on the tube right now. Never watched him, but there are some things that are reminding me of a prophetic word spoken over my life by Theresa Griffith. It was "Follow me. If you think you know where you are going, you won't follow me." I need to keep my eyes fixed on the Lord of the universe. He has His plan laid out for my life. Joel just said that my Boaz is out there. I'm unsure that I'm willing to try again. I take that back. I know I will. I just wish I understood why God drew me into a relationship with D in the first place and why He continues to tell me to "watch and wait." My inclination is to shake the dust off my feet and move on. Screw him. Who needs him? Am I that desperate that I want to hold on to someone who has been saying clearly that nothing is going to happen between us? No! I am just the kind of person who cares about people and knows that I have something to bring to any person because of Christ in me. It's not about me and my pride. It is about bringing the light, joy, and peace of Christ into those dark and difficult places.

So...when do I get my Boaz?