I find it so difficult to trust whatever it is that the Lord is trying to do here in my life. As I talked about in a previous post, I have been communicating with D, a person from my past, someone I went to school with from kindergarten through twelfth grade. He remembers us hanging out as kids, how scary my dad was, and that nobody was ever allowed in my house, all things that I cannot remember at all. But I trust his memories. Checking around inside, I find that everyone trusts him, with the exception of a part who calls herself Julia. This man was actually able to have a one-on-one conversation with her and all he asked is that she give him the benefit of the doubt. His intentions were not to hurt me.
After the initial revelation about the ritual abuse and DID, he took some time to process it but came back stronger than ever. He made a conscious decision that I should not have to pay for the sins of my parents. He realized that there were obstacles to be overcome, but he admitted that he really liked me and wanted to see where things would lead. We've spent hours talking. The level of honesty was amazing. Our communication was of the kind that I've never known before.
It has become necessary for him to seek sole custody of his kids because of issues with their mother. He's such a devoted father and feels things so deeply that it hurts him to take them away from their mother. He's hoping to also receive permission to move back here to be near family. The custody issue alone is a huge deal and emotionally draining. It brings with it a lot of unknowns and a restriction on his personal time that he would have devoted to getting to know me better.
Just finished chatting with him online and according to him, there is no possibility of anything developing. He feels badly about it, but after talking to friends, family, and his pastor, he believes that his focus must be on home and his boys. I agree. He just doesn't realize that I would be an asset to the process. We've agreed to be friends, and I can live with that. How can I do that, you may ask? B/c the Spirit of God in me is what attracts someone, and all I have to do is be myself.
Our chat continued. Things are completely messed up. He knows I'm angry and hurt. He's feeling stressed about a reservation that I made when we were supposed to be meeting up. He lacks the maturity to have an adult friendship with me at this point. He doesn't know how it works. It's so sad. And what's even worse is that I really think that God has been trying to orchestrate a relationship between us and his fear is what keeps it from happening. Now my own anger and hurt is what's likely to keep it from happening. I keep praying for a supernatural intervention, like Joseph received the angelic visitation telling him not to be afraid to take Mary as his wife. The Lord has called me to fast the next three days and that includes fasting from contacting him. I don't know WHY God's asking me to do that. Things seem pretty hopeless at this point. He said that the friendship needs to find it's footing. I agree. But hey, at least it frees me up to move on with my life until he figures things out...does it? I don't know, now. If God wants us to be together, then should I wait for it to happen? Or should I move forward and God will bring him to his senses and it'll work out even if I've moved on? I still keep hearing God saying, "Watch and wait." He's been saying that all along. So I don't try to manipulate anything on my own.
D has issues. Of that I'm becoming more aware. He struggles with the fact that I have piercings...oh brother! My eyebrow and tongue are pierced. Big deal! he has problems with the fact that I have goth characteristics and appreciation for it's culture. He was a part of the dark side of that culture. He has a problem with the fact that I have abuse issues in my past. He's an interesting mix of conservative and liberal. He still thinks that one should dress up for church, but is angered that many in the church villify the homosexual lifestyle.
Today W&C prayed for me. They prayed that I would have only God's very best for me. I thought that D was it. He possessed so many of the qualities and characteristics that I have desired for so long. But if he's not God's best, then wow! whoever that is is gonna be absolutely fantastic.
And I talked with Hawaii Boy online earlier today. I miss him. He's been such a good friend and he really gets me. He admires me and appreciates who I am. He let me know that I have had an influence on his life in a positive way. I keep praying that he would find his way to the Lord. I think he's close. He expressed a desire to have a faith like mine, but he doesn't "feel" it. I think that he's envious of my confidence in my faith and how it guides me. His marriage is just about over. He's going to end it sooner rather then later. It would be difficult to stay away from him if he were single. Although he doesn't know Christ, his love and concern are intoxicating. Perhaps more so right now b/c I'm hurting from D's rejection.
Joel Osteen is on the tube right now. Never watched him, but there are some things that are reminding me of a prophetic word spoken over my life by Theresa Griffith. It was "Follow me. If you think you know where you are going, you won't follow me." I need to keep my eyes fixed on the Lord of the universe. He has His plan laid out for my life. Joel just said that my Boaz is out there. I'm unsure that I'm willing to try again. I take that back. I know I will. I just wish I understood why God drew me into a relationship with D in the first place and why He continues to tell me to "watch and wait." My inclination is to shake the dust off my feet and move on. Screw him. Who needs him? Am I that desperate that I want to hold on to someone who has been saying clearly that nothing is going to happen between us? No! I am just the kind of person who cares about people and knows that I have something to bring to any person because of Christ in me. It's not about me and my pride. It is about bringing the light, joy, and peace of Christ into those dark and difficult places.
So...when do I get my Boaz?
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Sins of the Father...
I find that the horrors of my past continue to follow me into the present. I don't think that I will ever be free from this legacy of isolation and despair. I have broken free, thanks be to God, from the influence of the group itself. The last (I believe) rope that kept me tied to them was my ex-husband, R. Parts of me recently revealed that he had been involved in perpetuating the mind-control programming and accessing alters to assure their continued involvement. Exactly what that involvement entailed, I am not clear. What is clear to me at this point is the following:
I have found it increasingly detestful to communicate with R in any way, but particularly by phone or text. Email is a last resort only when something MUST be addressed.
There was a period of time when he would call me, without fail, the morning of my therapy appointment. On no other day of the week would he call in the morning. That, of course, stopped during our separation and divorce. However, the week following the initial dicovery, he called and attempted to carry on a conversation, fishing for information about the current state of my life.
He never accepted and consistently supported my journey into truth. In fact, more often than not, he would attempt to discredit things that I was uncovering in my sessions. He also did not respond in a "normal" way to young child alters, prefering to yell at them and ignore them. Additionally, he would often push for a reconciliation with my parents. He willingly invited my mother in on the ocassions when she would appear on our doorstep.
My alters have shown me a conglomerate of pictures that include him holding an upside down cross, evil and malice evident in his face. They believe that our entire marriage was a set up, that the group intended for it to happen so that they could keep me exactly where they wanted.
What the group could not predict, nor prevent, was the working of Holy Spirit in my life. He opened my heart to the everlasting, unconditional love of the Father. He demonstrated His power that overcomes any and all evil. He has led me in His paths and exposed the plots of the enemy, setting him to flight.
I have recently reconnected with an old classmate from school. The first time we "chatted" online, I sense something that I can only call God's calling to me. There was a resistance within me to continuing a discussion and that was because I was fearful of becoming involved with him, even though it seemed to be what God was placing in front of me and saying, "Will you trust me and take it?" We have been talking online for hours now, and twice had plans to meet face to face. Both times they fell apart. Our discussions ranged from the mundane to the immensely profound and Truth was at the center of it all. There was open discussion about looking for a marriage partner, rather than simply dating for the hell of it. He posseses so many qualities that I have been longing for in someone with whom I could share my life: he's funny, kind, loyal, generous, spontaneous, sacrificial for his children, excellent parent, respectful, thoughtful, intelligent, seeking my best. He developed a faith in God after a time in the wilderness, making it that much stronger than if he had simply "followed the program" he had been raised with.
I knew that it was important to share my past with him sooner, rather than later. I felt it only fair that he know exactly what he was entering into. Little did I expect that his objection would be on the grounds of his children's safety. Their safety never was a question in my mind. I thought about his need to understand the spiritual implications involved, his disturbance with my having many alters and what that would mean (am I crazy?), I was even prepared for skepticism. Instead, he believed everything I said and immediately thought about what it would mean for his kids. Again...reasons to love him.
Now, however, I have to struggle with the very real possibility that he may end this relationship before it even begins. I have no idea what I can say, if anything, that will provide him the peace that he needs to continue in this, sans fear for his children's safety.
In a current conversation, he is asking me to go back IN the group undercover in an effort to bring them down. Amazing man that he is, he spent hours today reading about ritual abuse. He continues to believe that it happens, but finds it difficult to accept that there is NO WAY to prove it. I don't understand all of what God is attempting to do here, but He's doing something. My task is to allow God to continue His work without interfering. And without getting defensive or feeling the necessity of proving myself.
In turning to my pastor for prayer covering, the word that he gave was, "Very slow is very Good." What does that mean? My idea of slow, others' ideas of slow, and God's idea of slow are very different. I am beginning to realize that perhaps the reason God brought D and I together is to open his eyes to something more. His sense of injustice would be invaluable in the fight against this atrocity.
It enrages me that I am having to pay for what was done to me by possibly losing this relationship. My father, mother, and other members of the cult are the ones who sinned and I am the one who suffers...first by having a husband who was involved, now by possibly losing a potentially great relationship. Shouldn't I be reaping the rewards of loving the Lord? I recognize that I share in the sufferings of Christ...where's the ressurection life that also comes?
I have found it increasingly detestful to communicate with R in any way, but particularly by phone or text. Email is a last resort only when something MUST be addressed.
There was a period of time when he would call me, without fail, the morning of my therapy appointment. On no other day of the week would he call in the morning. That, of course, stopped during our separation and divorce. However, the week following the initial dicovery, he called and attempted to carry on a conversation, fishing for information about the current state of my life.
He never accepted and consistently supported my journey into truth. In fact, more often than not, he would attempt to discredit things that I was uncovering in my sessions. He also did not respond in a "normal" way to young child alters, prefering to yell at them and ignore them. Additionally, he would often push for a reconciliation with my parents. He willingly invited my mother in on the ocassions when she would appear on our doorstep.
My alters have shown me a conglomerate of pictures that include him holding an upside down cross, evil and malice evident in his face. They believe that our entire marriage was a set up, that the group intended for it to happen so that they could keep me exactly where they wanted.
What the group could not predict, nor prevent, was the working of Holy Spirit in my life. He opened my heart to the everlasting, unconditional love of the Father. He demonstrated His power that overcomes any and all evil. He has led me in His paths and exposed the plots of the enemy, setting him to flight.
I have recently reconnected with an old classmate from school. The first time we "chatted" online, I sense something that I can only call God's calling to me. There was a resistance within me to continuing a discussion and that was because I was fearful of becoming involved with him, even though it seemed to be what God was placing in front of me and saying, "Will you trust me and take it?" We have been talking online for hours now, and twice had plans to meet face to face. Both times they fell apart. Our discussions ranged from the mundane to the immensely profound and Truth was at the center of it all. There was open discussion about looking for a marriage partner, rather than simply dating for the hell of it. He posseses so many qualities that I have been longing for in someone with whom I could share my life: he's funny, kind, loyal, generous, spontaneous, sacrificial for his children, excellent parent, respectful, thoughtful, intelligent, seeking my best. He developed a faith in God after a time in the wilderness, making it that much stronger than if he had simply "followed the program" he had been raised with.
I knew that it was important to share my past with him sooner, rather than later. I felt it only fair that he know exactly what he was entering into. Little did I expect that his objection would be on the grounds of his children's safety. Their safety never was a question in my mind. I thought about his need to understand the spiritual implications involved, his disturbance with my having many alters and what that would mean (am I crazy?), I was even prepared for skepticism. Instead, he believed everything I said and immediately thought about what it would mean for his kids. Again...reasons to love him.
Now, however, I have to struggle with the very real possibility that he may end this relationship before it even begins. I have no idea what I can say, if anything, that will provide him the peace that he needs to continue in this, sans fear for his children's safety.
In a current conversation, he is asking me to go back IN the group undercover in an effort to bring them down. Amazing man that he is, he spent hours today reading about ritual abuse. He continues to believe that it happens, but finds it difficult to accept that there is NO WAY to prove it. I don't understand all of what God is attempting to do here, but He's doing something. My task is to allow God to continue His work without interfering. And without getting defensive or feeling the necessity of proving myself.
In turning to my pastor for prayer covering, the word that he gave was, "Very slow is very Good." What does that mean? My idea of slow, others' ideas of slow, and God's idea of slow are very different. I am beginning to realize that perhaps the reason God brought D and I together is to open his eyes to something more. His sense of injustice would be invaluable in the fight against this atrocity.
It enrages me that I am having to pay for what was done to me by possibly losing this relationship. My father, mother, and other members of the cult are the ones who sinned and I am the one who suffers...first by having a husband who was involved, now by possibly losing a potentially great relationship. Shouldn't I be reaping the rewards of loving the Lord? I recognize that I share in the sufferings of Christ...where's the ressurection life that also comes?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Ultimate Betrayal
How's this for total bullshit? I just came to realize, via many parts inside, that my now ex-husband, R, was part of the abuse I experienced. What a fucking asshole! The pieces are not all in place but this much I know...he knew what was taking place and helped make it happen. They're also starting to let me in on knowledge about our whole marriage being a set up by "the group."
Some of you may understand this and others may not, but people involved in the cult are at in levels of society, including doctors, lawyers, police officers, and the military. They are also in other jobs that carry less power, such as blue collar positions. Such was the case with R. We worked together and I was married at the time. We knew of each other, but didn't know each other directly. One day I left for lunch and got about a half mile from the office when I realized my tire was flat. Great! Just great! What to do now? Walk back to the office in high heels? Call for assistance? Just then, R pulled up. He just happened to be going to lunch at the same time, to the same place, taking the same route. He gallantly changed my tire and as we talked, it turned out that we had both gone to the same high school, he grew up in a Dutch Christian Reformed Church, his parents and mine square danced together. It was uncanny how many things we had in common. And of course sharing the stories from high school just fostered the connection between us. It didn't take long for him to seduce me, although he'd likely say I pursued him. What I believe now is that long-hidden programming was triggered that made it impossible for me to resist the temptation to be with him. I quickly divorcd my first husband and moved in with R. Or rather, he moved in with me.
The courtship was volatile, filled with low-level phyiscal violence, verbal abuse, and alcohol. But what I thought was love that I felt, was actually fear. On some level, I knew that I was SUPPOSED to be with him. If I had known then what I know now, and if I had had the personal relationship with God that I have now, I would have run for the hills as fast as I could. I remember sitting outside our villa on our honeymoon and saying to myself, "This was a huge mistake and now I'm locked into it." I had no skills or ability to set limits and boundaries, so I didn't know how to stand up for myself. After years of being abused by my family, I didn't know that I COULD say no to something. I thought I had to go along with the program.
Within a few months, I was on a prescription tranquilizer to help with my nerves, which were beginning to fray. The fighting was constant and I felt hopeless that things would change. There were many times I grabbed a kitchen knife and seriously thought about cutting myself. I had not been a self-injurer at any other time in my life, but it was looking better all the time. Looking back, I think that the cutting would have been an attempt to strengthen the dissociation and get me "back on track." Six month after the wedding, we got into a fight and I took the whole prescription, which landed me in the hospital ER. I was given the option to stay for a week in the psych ward, which I gladly accepted (how many people WANT to be there?) because it meant a week of peace in my life. While there, I started to learn new skills that would allow me to say "no" and make choices that were better for me.
My counseling continues for two years and at one point, I was feeling suicidal again. I distinctly remember sitting on the floor in the dark of my bedroom and thinking I had a choice: I could kill myself or I could reach out to my pastor's wife, C, whom I barely knew. Thank God I chose the latter. When I met with her, she explained that God is intimately involved in my life and the struggles we have are not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces in the world. It was as if a lightswitch was flipped and things made sense. I didn't suddenly remember the ritual abuse, but I at least began to understand that God was personal...huge for me.
Needless to say, the changes in my life were not well-received by R. When our church went through a major split, he wanted to go with the "others," effectively removing the influence of my pastor and his wife, W&C. I fought tooth and nail to stay put and he capitulated. At every turn, my personal and spiritual grown were challenged. I was accused by R of being in a cult (how ironic), taking the spiritual things too far, discounting any revelation or understanding that the Lord provided.
There was a time when I began cutting myself. I remember it started just as a tiny scratch, wondering how it would feel. It escalated to doing it every day. Eventually, it became something that I did to either prevent dissociating or to enhance the dissociation to protect myself and other parts. It was also a way of punishing myself for perceived wrongs, and at other times to keep from physically lashing out at others, R in particular. Most of the time, he turned a blind eye to the cutting. When he did pay attention, he was angry and told me I was crazy. He cared little that he was provoking and eliciting that kind of response. In no way am I absolving myself of the responsibility for my choice. It took me a long time to realize that I really did have a choice to handle things in a different way.
Over the years, trauma and stress would trigger a switch and other parts would make their presence known. Whenever this happened, he would became angry and unresponsive. He reinforced the incident that caused the switch in the first place. At times, a younger part would come forward and he would treat them like an adult, rather than the 4 or 5 year old that they were. As memories would surface, he would discount and discredit them. At times, he would tell me I was crazy and should be locked up. He consistently defended my family, saying what good people they were. There were times that my mother unexpectedly appeared at my door and he invited her in.
There were other connections, as well. His mother kept my mother up-to-date about goings on in my/our lives. When our house was being built, his brother took both mothers to see the house in progress. Even though we had buried a Bible in the foundation and the house wasn't even complete, I felt an evil presence before we even moved in. Now I understand why. R's brother bowled and drank with my brother every week, so another source of information was available to my family.
Every time I made progress, he would make attempts to set me back. At times, he aligned himself with a family in our church who were Satanic plants, bent on destroying the ministry there. He repeatedly chose this person over me until he realized that their time was limited and the Lord was forcing them out. Then his tune changed. I remember during one time of group prayer in which R was involved, it very clearly came to me that there were spirits of blasphemy and degradation present. I kept it to myself but shared it with my pastor's wife later. Since we didn't know what Randy was involved with, these spirits didn't make sense and it seemed that I misheard. Now...they make perfect sense.
Since we've split, R has made feeble attempts to keep in contact. A text here or there about a friend's health, asking me to watch the dog while he goes out of town, showing up at church out of the blue, making sure he knows that he broke up with his girlfriend. I give him no information.
I am very grateful to the parts who finally were able to step forward and tell me the truth. While R's influence and ability to cue programming was diminished a long time ago, being fully cognizant of his ploys makes life so much less complicated. It is easy to see through his tricks and there is no grey area...it's all black and white for me now. There was a time when I loved him, but that time has passed. I realize that "there but for the grace of God go I." There is no difference between he and I. Both raised in the cult. God saw fit to rescue me from hell. I don't know why me and not Randy, but I do pray that he would come to know Christ during this lifetime.
Some of you may understand this and others may not, but people involved in the cult are at in levels of society, including doctors, lawyers, police officers, and the military. They are also in other jobs that carry less power, such as blue collar positions. Such was the case with R. We worked together and I was married at the time. We knew of each other, but didn't know each other directly. One day I left for lunch and got about a half mile from the office when I realized my tire was flat. Great! Just great! What to do now? Walk back to the office in high heels? Call for assistance? Just then, R pulled up. He just happened to be going to lunch at the same time, to the same place, taking the same route. He gallantly changed my tire and as we talked, it turned out that we had both gone to the same high school, he grew up in a Dutch Christian Reformed Church, his parents and mine square danced together. It was uncanny how many things we had in common. And of course sharing the stories from high school just fostered the connection between us. It didn't take long for him to seduce me, although he'd likely say I pursued him. What I believe now is that long-hidden programming was triggered that made it impossible for me to resist the temptation to be with him. I quickly divorcd my first husband and moved in with R. Or rather, he moved in with me.
The courtship was volatile, filled with low-level phyiscal violence, verbal abuse, and alcohol. But what I thought was love that I felt, was actually fear. On some level, I knew that I was SUPPOSED to be with him. If I had known then what I know now, and if I had had the personal relationship with God that I have now, I would have run for the hills as fast as I could. I remember sitting outside our villa on our honeymoon and saying to myself, "This was a huge mistake and now I'm locked into it." I had no skills or ability to set limits and boundaries, so I didn't know how to stand up for myself. After years of being abused by my family, I didn't know that I COULD say no to something. I thought I had to go along with the program.
Within a few months, I was on a prescription tranquilizer to help with my nerves, which were beginning to fray. The fighting was constant and I felt hopeless that things would change. There were many times I grabbed a kitchen knife and seriously thought about cutting myself. I had not been a self-injurer at any other time in my life, but it was looking better all the time. Looking back, I think that the cutting would have been an attempt to strengthen the dissociation and get me "back on track." Six month after the wedding, we got into a fight and I took the whole prescription, which landed me in the hospital ER. I was given the option to stay for a week in the psych ward, which I gladly accepted (how many people WANT to be there?) because it meant a week of peace in my life. While there, I started to learn new skills that would allow me to say "no" and make choices that were better for me.
My counseling continues for two years and at one point, I was feeling suicidal again. I distinctly remember sitting on the floor in the dark of my bedroom and thinking I had a choice: I could kill myself or I could reach out to my pastor's wife, C, whom I barely knew. Thank God I chose the latter. When I met with her, she explained that God is intimately involved in my life and the struggles we have are not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces in the world. It was as if a lightswitch was flipped and things made sense. I didn't suddenly remember the ritual abuse, but I at least began to understand that God was personal...huge for me.
Needless to say, the changes in my life were not well-received by R. When our church went through a major split, he wanted to go with the "others," effectively removing the influence of my pastor and his wife, W&C. I fought tooth and nail to stay put and he capitulated. At every turn, my personal and spiritual grown were challenged. I was accused by R of being in a cult (how ironic), taking the spiritual things too far, discounting any revelation or understanding that the Lord provided.
There was a time when I began cutting myself. I remember it started just as a tiny scratch, wondering how it would feel. It escalated to doing it every day. Eventually, it became something that I did to either prevent dissociating or to enhance the dissociation to protect myself and other parts. It was also a way of punishing myself for perceived wrongs, and at other times to keep from physically lashing out at others, R in particular. Most of the time, he turned a blind eye to the cutting. When he did pay attention, he was angry and told me I was crazy. He cared little that he was provoking and eliciting that kind of response. In no way am I absolving myself of the responsibility for my choice. It took me a long time to realize that I really did have a choice to handle things in a different way.
Over the years, trauma and stress would trigger a switch and other parts would make their presence known. Whenever this happened, he would became angry and unresponsive. He reinforced the incident that caused the switch in the first place. At times, a younger part would come forward and he would treat them like an adult, rather than the 4 or 5 year old that they were. As memories would surface, he would discount and discredit them. At times, he would tell me I was crazy and should be locked up. He consistently defended my family, saying what good people they were. There were times that my mother unexpectedly appeared at my door and he invited her in.
There were other connections, as well. His mother kept my mother up-to-date about goings on in my/our lives. When our house was being built, his brother took both mothers to see the house in progress. Even though we had buried a Bible in the foundation and the house wasn't even complete, I felt an evil presence before we even moved in. Now I understand why. R's brother bowled and drank with my brother every week, so another source of information was available to my family.
Every time I made progress, he would make attempts to set me back. At times, he aligned himself with a family in our church who were Satanic plants, bent on destroying the ministry there. He repeatedly chose this person over me until he realized that their time was limited and the Lord was forcing them out. Then his tune changed. I remember during one time of group prayer in which R was involved, it very clearly came to me that there were spirits of blasphemy and degradation present. I kept it to myself but shared it with my pastor's wife later. Since we didn't know what Randy was involved with, these spirits didn't make sense and it seemed that I misheard. Now...they make perfect sense.
Since we've split, R has made feeble attempts to keep in contact. A text here or there about a friend's health, asking me to watch the dog while he goes out of town, showing up at church out of the blue, making sure he knows that he broke up with his girlfriend. I give him no information.
I am very grateful to the parts who finally were able to step forward and tell me the truth. While R's influence and ability to cue programming was diminished a long time ago, being fully cognizant of his ploys makes life so much less complicated. It is easy to see through his tricks and there is no grey area...it's all black and white for me now. There was a time when I loved him, but that time has passed. I realize that "there but for the grace of God go I." There is no difference between he and I. Both raised in the cult. God saw fit to rescue me from hell. I don't know why me and not Randy, but I do pray that he would come to know Christ during this lifetime.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
"Let's Talk About Sex, Baby..."
Okay, so the whole post is not going to be about sex. But it'll be in here somewhere. I went to my second ex's (R) house this afternoon to see my dog. I had sent him a text making sure it was okay and he wanted to know what time I would get there and when I'd be leaving. No problem. Curious, though. Not usually an issue. While I was at the house, I got to snooping. I looked in the kitchen cabinet to see if he was still giving the dog his pills and I noticed a prescription bottle for Lexapro, an antidepressant, in his new girlfriend's name. I'm not stupid. In fact, I'm quite astute. Since an antidepressant like that is usually taken once a day, either morning or evening, it meant that she was staying overnight with him, which meant they were having, God forbid.....SEX!!!! I felt sick to my stomach but just had to confirm it for myself. I'm watching myself go up the stairs into the master bedroom. The first thing I noticed is that the bed was made. He NEVER made the bed when we were married. He was obviously trying to impress the stupid woman. Yes, I called her stupid and I'll explain why a little later. I noticed that he didn't try to impress her too much because he had a bunch of empty beer bottles on the nightstand. I went into the bathroom to see if she had any things there and felt a sigh of relief escape when there weren't. But I just couldn't help myself and went over to the nightstand, arguing with myself the whole time that this was an invasion of his privacy, I wouldn't like it one little bit if he did the same to me, I wasn't going to like what I found, blah, blah, blah. But it didn't stop me. I just had to pull open the drawer and yep, you guessed it. Empty condom wrappers. I was ready to vomit. Not because I felt cheated on, but because they've only been dating a little over a month and it is just so typical of him. He just couldn't keep it in his pants. He's a man-whore, in my opinion. He gets an urge and has to follow it to its full completion.
It crossed my mind to wonder what she thought of his sexual prowess. In the 16 years we were together, it pretty much sucked. My first ex was pretty great. I orgasmed every time, until I started having sexual dificulties (which I now understand were a result of the ritual abuse I experienced). And Hawaii Boy, whoa baby. He was, hands down, THE BEST. So what made these two great and R not? Their attitude towards me and lovemaking. They genuinely cared about me. It was about expressing their feelings for me, not some sex act to get their rocks off. R was a selfish lover. Yes, he tried to please me at times, but it was really about him feeling good about himself, not for the sheer pleasure of satisfying me. I tried many times to explain what I needed and how I liked things, but he never could break from his own ways. There was no being "one."
In any case, this discovery prompted me to take the initiative and ask a friend to help me get the rest of my belongings out of the house and soon. I realized that being in the house, keeping tabs on R in one way or another, was just keeping me tied to him and that is something I want to completely end. Let the chips fall where they may.
I'm beginning to acept with my whole being that R and I are not going to reconcile and that's a very good thing. When I stopped by last week, I noticed the brand new 55" flat screen tv and the flat screen computer monitor. This man does not have that kind of moolah. He owes money out the wazoo and even if he got his yearly bonus, it would not have gotten him out of debt and bought the new electronic toys. The man has a spending problem, along with a drinking problem, and both appear to be getting worse.
Oh, did I fail to mention that his new girlfriend is a bartender? How convenient. This is why I think she's stupid: she's a bartender dating and sleeping with an alcoholic with a spending problem who is only recently divorced and has not worked through his own issues. Any woman in their right mind should run for the hills.
So this is what really got my goat. As I was pulling out of the subdivision, a perky blond in a blue mustang was pulling in. I knew right then and there that she was "the one." Sure enough, out of state license plates. So I did a U-ee and followed her. She pulled right into the driveway I had pulled out of not more than two minutes before. What a close fricking call for her. If she had shown up while I was there, I don't really know what I would have done. I can't believe she had the balls to show up only a few minutes after I had told Randy I'd be leaving. Little miss "shit-don't-stink" acted like she owned the place. (Okay, now I sound like a stalking bitter ex-wife.)
This is when I lost it. I drove to the local Starbucks and sent him a text that read, "You're girlfriend cut it pretty close. I passed her on my way out. Hope you're using protection. I didn't when I was in HI." That was how I dropped the bomb on him that I cheated on him while we were still married (even though he had already told me he wanted a divorce). All I wanted to do was hurt him like he had hurt me during the course of our marriage. I was absolutely shocked that he didn't respond. I thought for sure he wouldn't have been able to resist the bait. I have to say that I'm pretty impressed that he didn't stoop to my level. I was pretty disgusted with myself. I was not acting very differentiated.
Differentiation is a term used by Murray Bowen to describe a person's level of autonomy and ability to make well-thought-out choices about how to respond, rather than reacting from an emotional, gut-level place. Differentiation from R is something that I have been diligently working towards. Felt like all my hard work went to hell in a handbasket. Oh well. It felt good at the time and I've calmed down since then, so I can make better choices.
My emotions have been all over the place this evening. Angry with him for treating lovemaking so casually, angry that he could move on so quickly and easily, angry that he's making a mess of his life and he is completely oblivious, angry that he threw away the best thing that will ever happen to him, angry that he is deliberately taking steps away from the Lord. He's making choices that take him ever further away. I don't know how the Lord is going to possibly break through to R and woo him back. It saddens me. I feel so much relief every time I drive home from whereever I happen to be because I know there is peace in my home. I know that the Lord has big plans for me and He is taking care of me carefully and thoughtfully. He led me out of the danger zone with R and into a place of green pastures. I don't truly know from day to day where He's leading, but I follow anyway.
I have no excuse for my extramarital affair. I can explain it, but not justify it. I'll talk more in another posting about the ins and outs (no pun intended) and my journey to forgiveness.
It crossed my mind to wonder what she thought of his sexual prowess. In the 16 years we were together, it pretty much sucked. My first ex was pretty great. I orgasmed every time, until I started having sexual dificulties (which I now understand were a result of the ritual abuse I experienced). And Hawaii Boy, whoa baby. He was, hands down, THE BEST. So what made these two great and R not? Their attitude towards me and lovemaking. They genuinely cared about me. It was about expressing their feelings for me, not some sex act to get their rocks off. R was a selfish lover. Yes, he tried to please me at times, but it was really about him feeling good about himself, not for the sheer pleasure of satisfying me. I tried many times to explain what I needed and how I liked things, but he never could break from his own ways. There was no being "one."
In any case, this discovery prompted me to take the initiative and ask a friend to help me get the rest of my belongings out of the house and soon. I realized that being in the house, keeping tabs on R in one way or another, was just keeping me tied to him and that is something I want to completely end. Let the chips fall where they may.
I'm beginning to acept with my whole being that R and I are not going to reconcile and that's a very good thing. When I stopped by last week, I noticed the brand new 55" flat screen tv and the flat screen computer monitor. This man does not have that kind of moolah. He owes money out the wazoo and even if he got his yearly bonus, it would not have gotten him out of debt and bought the new electronic toys. The man has a spending problem, along with a drinking problem, and both appear to be getting worse.
Oh, did I fail to mention that his new girlfriend is a bartender? How convenient. This is why I think she's stupid: she's a bartender dating and sleeping with an alcoholic with a spending problem who is only recently divorced and has not worked through his own issues. Any woman in their right mind should run for the hills.
So this is what really got my goat. As I was pulling out of the subdivision, a perky blond in a blue mustang was pulling in. I knew right then and there that she was "the one." Sure enough, out of state license plates. So I did a U-ee and followed her. She pulled right into the driveway I had pulled out of not more than two minutes before. What a close fricking call for her. If she had shown up while I was there, I don't really know what I would have done. I can't believe she had the balls to show up only a few minutes after I had told Randy I'd be leaving. Little miss "shit-don't-stink" acted like she owned the place. (Okay, now I sound like a stalking bitter ex-wife.)
This is when I lost it. I drove to the local Starbucks and sent him a text that read, "You're girlfriend cut it pretty close. I passed her on my way out. Hope you're using protection. I didn't when I was in HI." That was how I dropped the bomb on him that I cheated on him while we were still married (even though he had already told me he wanted a divorce). All I wanted to do was hurt him like he had hurt me during the course of our marriage. I was absolutely shocked that he didn't respond. I thought for sure he wouldn't have been able to resist the bait. I have to say that I'm pretty impressed that he didn't stoop to my level. I was pretty disgusted with myself. I was not acting very differentiated.
Differentiation is a term used by Murray Bowen to describe a person's level of autonomy and ability to make well-thought-out choices about how to respond, rather than reacting from an emotional, gut-level place. Differentiation from R is something that I have been diligently working towards. Felt like all my hard work went to hell in a handbasket. Oh well. It felt good at the time and I've calmed down since then, so I can make better choices.
My emotions have been all over the place this evening. Angry with him for treating lovemaking so casually, angry that he could move on so quickly and easily, angry that he's making a mess of his life and he is completely oblivious, angry that he threw away the best thing that will ever happen to him, angry that he is deliberately taking steps away from the Lord. He's making choices that take him ever further away. I don't know how the Lord is going to possibly break through to R and woo him back. It saddens me. I feel so much relief every time I drive home from whereever I happen to be because I know there is peace in my home. I know that the Lord has big plans for me and He is taking care of me carefully and thoughtfully. He led me out of the danger zone with R and into a place of green pastures. I don't truly know from day to day where He's leading, but I follow anyway.
I have no excuse for my extramarital affair. I can explain it, but not justify it. I'll talk more in another posting about the ins and outs (no pun intended) and my journey to forgiveness.
Monday, January 19, 2009
For Everything There is a Season...
My life has changed in so many ways over the last two years. More times than I can count, I thought about posting and for whatever reason(s) decided against it. So now I am ready to come clean. I'm tired of hiding and trying to live a life in which parts of me are kept secret. First, a timeline:
July, 2007: Things with R's niece, whome we had raised to an adult, came to a head. I had to tell her to leave our house because of a major violation of our private space and her complete indifference to what she had done. Her disrespect reached a level that was no longer tolerable. The result was a widening chasm between me and my husband that was never resolved.
August, 2007: I was re-evaluating my marriage and wondering what God was expecting of me. Things were becoming increasingly unbearable and I was falling apart. I asked Him if I was supposed to stay or go and I heard Him say, "You are free to leave." I felt so relieved that He wasn't expecting me to stay in a situation that was tearing me apart. It didn't mean that I was going to immediately take that as my out and divorce my husband. It just meant that I could start thinking about taking care of myself. I began recognizing feelings of inadequacy and wondered what had happened to the woman who was unafraid to take on the world and believed that she could do anything. I made a conscious choice to set a time limit of one year for things to begin drastically changing in my marriage or I would have to consider separating to save myself.
September, 2007: Became so depressed that I was barely functioning. I was ready to risk all the years of schooling by simply dropping out of my master's program in the last leg of the journey. I could hardly get up in the morning and found it next to impossible to do what was expected of me by my internship site. While not suicidal, I was checking out of life. After talking to my therapist, I decided to see the doctor and once again try an antidepressant. In the past, others had not worked, had walled off other parts, or made me feel even more depressed. It was hell coming off of them back then, but I simply did not have a choice this time around. If I didn't have some kind of medical intervention, I was going to wind up hospitalized. It took five days of not eating, sleeping, showering, or functioning before the side effects started tapering off.
October, 2007: I took my licensing exam and passed!!!!
December, 2007: The month from hell. My husband was hospitalized for several days just before Christmas with strep, bronchitis, and a multitude of other symptoms. In everything I did, I was thinking with sadness about the possibility that in a year, we might not be together if things didn't change. He came home on Christmas Eve and the following day, while spending time with his family, things seemsed so good. I have two specific memories of that day: 1) hugging and kissing him in the kitchen of his mom's house and thinking that I didn't want our marriage to end-I loved him; and 2) looking around at some of his family members and realizing that I would miss them if things did not work out. I was especially reminded of his brother-in-law who had died the previous July.
A few days later, we attended the wedding of a friend's son. We danced together and had a wonderful evening. I was thinking about how much I loved him and felt a deep sorrow for the distance that had grown over the years.
New Years Eve came with a bombshell. We went to dinner and in my attempts to talk together about the past year and the year to come, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. He didn't even have the guts to come right out and say the word. All he could say was that he couldn't have another year like the one just over and that we both deserved to be happy and it wasn't going to happen together. I had to ask him several times if he was asking for a divorce. He finally said, "Yes." I remember thinking,"So this is what it's like when your spouse says they want a divorce." I noticed it wasn't awful, but there was a pit in my stomach. I felt empty. I realized that God had taken the decision about whether to stay or go out of my hands because R had made it for me.
January, 2008: I moved out of the master bedroom and bath. He seemed to think that even though we were divorcing, it should not prevent us from having sex and cuddling at night. That was just too much. I found out that within a few days of his asking for a divorce, he signed up for Yahoo! personals.
March, 2008: This month deserves a posting all its own. Suffice it to say that I went to Hawaii for a work-related conference and became physically and emotionally involved with a married man. The day I came home, my husband asked if we could go to counseling together. While I was gone, he had become lonely and wanted to do something to try and work things out. I became stubborn, dug in my heels, and told him it was too late. I was coming down from an incredible high that included someone showing care and concern that I had never experienced in my marriage and could not even fathom the emotional rollercoaster counseling with my husband would entail. Each time we had attended counseling in the past, it had failed miserably and we ended up worse off than before because more truth had been spoken. I struggle now with what might have happened if I had, in fact, been more willing to try at that time.
April, 2008: My mother-in-law became seriously ill and passed away. I was caught between wanting to support my husband during that time and going with him to the hospital, and feeling like a total fraud because I was playing the good wife when he was divorcing me. This was when his family found out about the impending divorce. I was able to be there for him when he was at home, and did all I could to make it easier for him to spend as much time as possible with his mother. I took up the responsibility of handling all the food for the funeral. While it was incredibly uncomfortable because I was on my way out of the family (and not by my choice, mind you) it was also important for me to show my love and concern for him and his family as a whole.
May, 2008: I defended my portfolio as the final step towards my graduate degree. I passed, with no revisions necessary. Started working at a counseling agency and was also offered a position at my internship site.
July, 2008: Met with the lawyer and began the divorce proceedings. We decided to use a mediator to iron out all the details. We walked out of there angrier than before and it took several attempts for he and I to negotiate and renogiate the details.
August, 2008: Officially graduated from Governors State University with my Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling!
September, 2008: Moved into my co-op Labor Day weekend. I was helped by my soon-to-be ex and his brother. Took several weeks to get unpacked and settled into a routine. The divorce was final on the 24th. Afterwards, my ex and I went to lunch and ran errands together. Looking back, I wish that I had began the emotional divorce much sooner, but hadn't realized how attached to him I continued to be.
October, 2008: Hawaii Boy showed his true colors and decided to pull "into his shell" because his life was messed up and he needed to figure things out. His timing was just perfect...a week before Halloween, even though he knew what that meant for me. Again, another posting is necessary. That month, I went to dinner with my ex and told him exactly how I was feeling about him and what interfered with our being together. He wanted to just "enjoy the fact that we were getting along without fighting." Not enough for me.
November, 2008: Went to a friends for Thanksgiving dinner and then over to the ex's. He made dinner for his family and invited me to come by. I couldn't leave fast enough because he was drunk. He wanted me to stay over because it was late. I couldn't do it.
December, 2008: This is the second year that December just seems to suck. Invited the ex out for dinner for another "talk." This time around, he wasn't as open to my honesty. He became defensive and at one point even suggested that I go to lunch with my mother, one of the perpetrators! He also stated that we would probably never know what had happened and if the ritual abuse actually happened. Of couse some parts of me wanted to strangle him but held back. I told him that I couldn't be around him anymore because it hurt too much because of my feelings and my desire to BE with him.
Shortly thereafter, God challenged me to "let him go and that He couldn't do what He needed to with R if I was holding on to him." I wrestled for days because of my fear that I wouldn't get R back. But I also knew that God loved him more than I ever could and that no matter what, God loved me too. I am still struggling with letting go.
A couple weeks later my ex invited me to come for Christmas Eve dinner and I had to decline. I had a meltdown the day after Christmas. A week later, (another New Years Eve) he told me he had started dating a girl from IN. I felt shocked, hurt, dismayed, betrayed, angry, helpless.
January, 2009: Had my pastor and his wife over for dinner. We had a really great talk and I was challenged by a question posed: "How does a person change his/her thinking when they are used to thinking about themselves in a certain way?" In other words, how do I go from thinking of myself as a spouse in relation to R and thinking of myself as a single person? From that point on, I started stating out loud that I am single.
I started teaching a developmental psych class for my alma mater. Two classes under my belt. Think I'm gonna like it.
So now you are up to date with the basics of my life over the last year or so. For some of these things I plan to go into more detail over time. I just needed to get back into this for now. I know that it's not likely that anyone I know will be reading this anytime soon. I guess that's okay. Not sure I'm ready for some of them to know so many intimate details. But at the same time, I don't want to allow the enemy to use shame to keep me quiet, especially since I have been forgiven and I know that I am FREE in Christ! That is my identity. Not one of guilt and shame. So here we go. Hold on everybody!
July, 2007: Things with R's niece, whome we had raised to an adult, came to a head. I had to tell her to leave our house because of a major violation of our private space and her complete indifference to what she had done. Her disrespect reached a level that was no longer tolerable. The result was a widening chasm between me and my husband that was never resolved.
August, 2007: I was re-evaluating my marriage and wondering what God was expecting of me. Things were becoming increasingly unbearable and I was falling apart. I asked Him if I was supposed to stay or go and I heard Him say, "You are free to leave." I felt so relieved that He wasn't expecting me to stay in a situation that was tearing me apart. It didn't mean that I was going to immediately take that as my out and divorce my husband. It just meant that I could start thinking about taking care of myself. I began recognizing feelings of inadequacy and wondered what had happened to the woman who was unafraid to take on the world and believed that she could do anything. I made a conscious choice to set a time limit of one year for things to begin drastically changing in my marriage or I would have to consider separating to save myself.
September, 2007: Became so depressed that I was barely functioning. I was ready to risk all the years of schooling by simply dropping out of my master's program in the last leg of the journey. I could hardly get up in the morning and found it next to impossible to do what was expected of me by my internship site. While not suicidal, I was checking out of life. After talking to my therapist, I decided to see the doctor and once again try an antidepressant. In the past, others had not worked, had walled off other parts, or made me feel even more depressed. It was hell coming off of them back then, but I simply did not have a choice this time around. If I didn't have some kind of medical intervention, I was going to wind up hospitalized. It took five days of not eating, sleeping, showering, or functioning before the side effects started tapering off.
October, 2007: I took my licensing exam and passed!!!!
December, 2007: The month from hell. My husband was hospitalized for several days just before Christmas with strep, bronchitis, and a multitude of other symptoms. In everything I did, I was thinking with sadness about the possibility that in a year, we might not be together if things didn't change. He came home on Christmas Eve and the following day, while spending time with his family, things seemsed so good. I have two specific memories of that day: 1) hugging and kissing him in the kitchen of his mom's house and thinking that I didn't want our marriage to end-I loved him; and 2) looking around at some of his family members and realizing that I would miss them if things did not work out. I was especially reminded of his brother-in-law who had died the previous July.
A few days later, we attended the wedding of a friend's son. We danced together and had a wonderful evening. I was thinking about how much I loved him and felt a deep sorrow for the distance that had grown over the years.
New Years Eve came with a bombshell. We went to dinner and in my attempts to talk together about the past year and the year to come, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. He didn't even have the guts to come right out and say the word. All he could say was that he couldn't have another year like the one just over and that we both deserved to be happy and it wasn't going to happen together. I had to ask him several times if he was asking for a divorce. He finally said, "Yes." I remember thinking,"So this is what it's like when your spouse says they want a divorce." I noticed it wasn't awful, but there was a pit in my stomach. I felt empty. I realized that God had taken the decision about whether to stay or go out of my hands because R had made it for me.
January, 2008: I moved out of the master bedroom and bath. He seemed to think that even though we were divorcing, it should not prevent us from having sex and cuddling at night. That was just too much. I found out that within a few days of his asking for a divorce, he signed up for Yahoo! personals.
March, 2008: This month deserves a posting all its own. Suffice it to say that I went to Hawaii for a work-related conference and became physically and emotionally involved with a married man. The day I came home, my husband asked if we could go to counseling together. While I was gone, he had become lonely and wanted to do something to try and work things out. I became stubborn, dug in my heels, and told him it was too late. I was coming down from an incredible high that included someone showing care and concern that I had never experienced in my marriage and could not even fathom the emotional rollercoaster counseling with my husband would entail. Each time we had attended counseling in the past, it had failed miserably and we ended up worse off than before because more truth had been spoken. I struggle now with what might have happened if I had, in fact, been more willing to try at that time.
April, 2008: My mother-in-law became seriously ill and passed away. I was caught between wanting to support my husband during that time and going with him to the hospital, and feeling like a total fraud because I was playing the good wife when he was divorcing me. This was when his family found out about the impending divorce. I was able to be there for him when he was at home, and did all I could to make it easier for him to spend as much time as possible with his mother. I took up the responsibility of handling all the food for the funeral. While it was incredibly uncomfortable because I was on my way out of the family (and not by my choice, mind you) it was also important for me to show my love and concern for him and his family as a whole.
May, 2008: I defended my portfolio as the final step towards my graduate degree. I passed, with no revisions necessary. Started working at a counseling agency and was also offered a position at my internship site.
July, 2008: Met with the lawyer and began the divorce proceedings. We decided to use a mediator to iron out all the details. We walked out of there angrier than before and it took several attempts for he and I to negotiate and renogiate the details.
August, 2008: Officially graduated from Governors State University with my Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling!
September, 2008: Moved into my co-op Labor Day weekend. I was helped by my soon-to-be ex and his brother. Took several weeks to get unpacked and settled into a routine. The divorce was final on the 24th. Afterwards, my ex and I went to lunch and ran errands together. Looking back, I wish that I had began the emotional divorce much sooner, but hadn't realized how attached to him I continued to be.
October, 2008: Hawaii Boy showed his true colors and decided to pull "into his shell" because his life was messed up and he needed to figure things out. His timing was just perfect...a week before Halloween, even though he knew what that meant for me. Again, another posting is necessary. That month, I went to dinner with my ex and told him exactly how I was feeling about him and what interfered with our being together. He wanted to just "enjoy the fact that we were getting along without fighting." Not enough for me.
November, 2008: Went to a friends for Thanksgiving dinner and then over to the ex's. He made dinner for his family and invited me to come by. I couldn't leave fast enough because he was drunk. He wanted me to stay over because it was late. I couldn't do it.
December, 2008: This is the second year that December just seems to suck. Invited the ex out for dinner for another "talk." This time around, he wasn't as open to my honesty. He became defensive and at one point even suggested that I go to lunch with my mother, one of the perpetrators! He also stated that we would probably never know what had happened and if the ritual abuse actually happened. Of couse some parts of me wanted to strangle him but held back. I told him that I couldn't be around him anymore because it hurt too much because of my feelings and my desire to BE with him.
Shortly thereafter, God challenged me to "let him go and that He couldn't do what He needed to with R if I was holding on to him." I wrestled for days because of my fear that I wouldn't get R back. But I also knew that God loved him more than I ever could and that no matter what, God loved me too. I am still struggling with letting go.
A couple weeks later my ex invited me to come for Christmas Eve dinner and I had to decline. I had a meltdown the day after Christmas. A week later, (another New Years Eve) he told me he had started dating a girl from IN. I felt shocked, hurt, dismayed, betrayed, angry, helpless.
January, 2009: Had my pastor and his wife over for dinner. We had a really great talk and I was challenged by a question posed: "How does a person change his/her thinking when they are used to thinking about themselves in a certain way?" In other words, how do I go from thinking of myself as a spouse in relation to R and thinking of myself as a single person? From that point on, I started stating out loud that I am single.
I started teaching a developmental psych class for my alma mater. Two classes under my belt. Think I'm gonna like it.
So now you are up to date with the basics of my life over the last year or so. For some of these things I plan to go into more detail over time. I just needed to get back into this for now. I know that it's not likely that anyone I know will be reading this anytime soon. I guess that's okay. Not sure I'm ready for some of them to know so many intimate details. But at the same time, I don't want to allow the enemy to use shame to keep me quiet, especially since I have been forgiven and I know that I am FREE in Christ! That is my identity. Not one of guilt and shame. So here we go. Hold on everybody!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)