Thursday, February 05, 2009

"Let's Talk About Sex, Baby..."

Okay, so the whole post is not going to be about sex. But it'll be in here somewhere. I went to my second ex's (R) house this afternoon to see my dog. I had sent him a text making sure it was okay and he wanted to know what time I would get there and when I'd be leaving. No problem. Curious, though. Not usually an issue. While I was at the house, I got to snooping. I looked in the kitchen cabinet to see if he was still giving the dog his pills and I noticed a prescription bottle for Lexapro, an antidepressant, in his new girlfriend's name. I'm not stupid. In fact, I'm quite astute. Since an antidepressant like that is usually taken once a day, either morning or evening, it meant that she was staying overnight with him, which meant they were having, God forbid.....SEX!!!! I felt sick to my stomach but just had to confirm it for myself. I'm watching myself go up the stairs into the master bedroom. The first thing I noticed is that the bed was made. He NEVER made the bed when we were married. He was obviously trying to impress the stupid woman. Yes, I called her stupid and I'll explain why a little later. I noticed that he didn't try to impress her too much because he had a bunch of empty beer bottles on the nightstand. I went into the bathroom to see if she had any things there and felt a sigh of relief escape when there weren't. But I just couldn't help myself and went over to the nightstand, arguing with myself the whole time that this was an invasion of his privacy, I wouldn't like it one little bit if he did the same to me, I wasn't going to like what I found, blah, blah, blah. But it didn't stop me. I just had to pull open the drawer and yep, you guessed it. Empty condom wrappers. I was ready to vomit. Not because I felt cheated on, but because they've only been dating a little over a month and it is just so typical of him. He just couldn't keep it in his pants. He's a man-whore, in my opinion. He gets an urge and has to follow it to its full completion.

It crossed my mind to wonder what she thought of his sexual prowess. In the 16 years we were together, it pretty much sucked. My first ex was pretty great. I orgasmed every time, until I started having sexual dificulties (which I now understand were a result of the ritual abuse I experienced). And Hawaii Boy, whoa baby. He was, hands down, THE BEST. So what made these two great and R not? Their attitude towards me and lovemaking. They genuinely cared about me. It was about expressing their feelings for me, not some sex act to get their rocks off. R was a selfish lover. Yes, he tried to please me at times, but it was really about him feeling good about himself, not for the sheer pleasure of satisfying me. I tried many times to explain what I needed and how I liked things, but he never could break from his own ways. There was no being "one."

In any case, this discovery prompted me to take the initiative and ask a friend to help me get the rest of my belongings out of the house and soon. I realized that being in the house, keeping tabs on R in one way or another, was just keeping me tied to him and that is something I want to completely end. Let the chips fall where they may.

I'm beginning to acept with my whole being that R and I are not going to reconcile and that's a very good thing. When I stopped by last week, I noticed the brand new 55" flat screen tv and the flat screen computer monitor. This man does not have that kind of moolah. He owes money out the wazoo and even if he got his yearly bonus, it would not have gotten him out of debt and bought the new electronic toys. The man has a spending problem, along with a drinking problem, and both appear to be getting worse.

Oh, did I fail to mention that his new girlfriend is a bartender? How convenient. This is why I think she's stupid: she's a bartender dating and sleeping with an alcoholic with a spending problem who is only recently divorced and has not worked through his own issues. Any woman in their right mind should run for the hills.

So this is what really got my goat. As I was pulling out of the subdivision, a perky blond in a blue mustang was pulling in. I knew right then and there that she was "the one." Sure enough, out of state license plates. So I did a U-ee and followed her. She pulled right into the driveway I had pulled out of not more than two minutes before. What a close fricking call for her. If she had shown up while I was there, I don't really know what I would have done. I can't believe she had the balls to show up only a few minutes after I had told Randy I'd be leaving. Little miss "shit-don't-stink" acted like she owned the place. (Okay, now I sound like a stalking bitter ex-wife.)

This is when I lost it. I drove to the local Starbucks and sent him a text that read, "You're girlfriend cut it pretty close. I passed her on my way out. Hope you're using protection. I didn't when I was in HI." That was how I dropped the bomb on him that I cheated on him while we were still married (even though he had already told me he wanted a divorce). All I wanted to do was hurt him like he had hurt me during the course of our marriage. I was absolutely shocked that he didn't respond. I thought for sure he wouldn't have been able to resist the bait. I have to say that I'm pretty impressed that he didn't stoop to my level. I was pretty disgusted with myself. I was not acting very differentiated.

Differentiation is a term used by Murray Bowen to describe a person's level of autonomy and ability to make well-thought-out choices about how to respond, rather than reacting from an emotional, gut-level place. Differentiation from R is something that I have been diligently working towards. Felt like all my hard work went to hell in a handbasket. Oh well. It felt good at the time and I've calmed down since then, so I can make better choices.

My emotions have been all over the place this evening. Angry with him for treating lovemaking so casually, angry that he could move on so quickly and easily, angry that he's making a mess of his life and he is completely oblivious, angry that he threw away the best thing that will ever happen to him, angry that he is deliberately taking steps away from the Lord. He's making choices that take him ever further away. I don't know how the Lord is going to possibly break through to R and woo him back. It saddens me. I feel so much relief every time I drive home from whereever I happen to be because I know there is peace in my home. I know that the Lord has big plans for me and He is taking care of me carefully and thoughtfully. He led me out of the danger zone with R and into a place of green pastures. I don't truly know from day to day where He's leading, but I follow anyway.

I have no excuse for my extramarital affair. I can explain it, but not justify it. I'll talk more in another posting about the ins and outs (no pun intended) and my journey to forgiveness.

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