Too Much

It all gets so confusing at times. Trying to keep track of everyone inside. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job. Kind of like having a family. How do I respond to everyone's needs without neglecting my own? Half the time I'm not even sure I want the job. So I start ignoring them, focusing on what I want, instead. Trying to be normal and just get through life. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Pretend that you're doin' just fine and maybe it really will be. Or I just give up and say, "whatever!" I can't figure out who's feeling what or thinking this or that and just when I think I understand, something else comes up and throws a huge kink into it all. There's no rhyme or reason to it all, or if there is, I'm sure the hell not seeing it. Being the go-between is a scary job with too much responsibility. What if I can't communicate accurately what someone is thinking or feeling. What if I put my own spin on it all w/o even realizing it? How can I be objective when I'm looking at my own life that doesn't really belong to me....I'm just a part myself?And then there's this switching, or shifting, that I think goes on without me even realizing it. I go from being too tired to try anymore to being the perfect go-to person for the ones inside - helping them sort through things, callin' on Jesus, praying for others - and I stop short when I realize that I don't want to be doing these things, so why am I? Is there a perfect one inside who always has to do the right things or is that one me? Is there someone who just keeps pushing us forward, even when we don't want to go? I can't figure out where I stop sometimes and others start. Which, in DID is the whole goal, right? Which sucks in and of itself. Who says that we want to "fuse"? Who says we want to become "as one"? Who says we want to integrate? I remember watching a movie about someone with DID when I was much younger, way before I knew anything about this crap. Wish I could remember the name of it. The only part I remember was the ending. The client showed up at the therapist's house and I think he or she was wearing a t-shirt. Either the t-shirt or the client said, "2-4-6-8-we don't want to integrate!" I remember thinking - hell yeah! Obviously there were parts inside who knew we were DID way before I did. And right now, most of us aren't thinking that we want to give up autonomy and join together. What's wrong with a democracy? What's wrong with a meaningful, working relationship? No one's arguing about the need to cooperate, but everyone likes to have his or her own voice. And if they don't like the general consensus, they can go to their room or raise a stink and campaign against it. Everyone feels like they have some say. Most of the time. Right now, I think, we're not quite there, but that's what we want to work towards. Besides, it will get lonely without everyone to talk to. I'm never alone, my thoughts are rarely quiet 'cause someone always has something to say or a song to keep singing over and over and over again, ad infinitum. See, even right now, I feel a difference coming on b/c I am taking the alternate position of wondering if we'll feel the same after we get our memories back and and we all share them. After we're all "healed." And it feels so wrong to want to let everyone stay separate if that's what they want when Jesus' goal is for us to be the whole person that God created us/me to be? I don't like saying me b/c I really feel like an us. Don't misunderstand. There have been two parts from a couple of years ago that have already become less distinct. I really don't think they're separate anymore. The lines between the three of us are less demarcated. I'm not even sure I could still communicate with them the same way I used to. And that's okay. If someone wants to join up, more power to 'em. But they shouldn't be forced to. Ya' know, I'm learning a lot. I think I pushed one of my teenagers too far a couple of years ago. I don't even remember what things were like for her or what her memories were or anything. I do remember she really liked Aslan from the Narnia Chronicles. She'd never read them before and when she did, she cried. The image of the lion was very important to her. The movie didn't do justice to him and we were all very disappointed. It sucked. I brought her for prayer and deliverance and she was even baptized. Now I find out that the teen I recently got aquainted with is an offshoot of the original teen. How does that happen? I asked my ISH and she said that the first teen split into the second teen b/c she/they didn't know how to deal with all of it. So part of her joined with me while another part was created that holds the memories. And this is the "new" teen that I'm getting to know. And to her, the image of the lion must be pretty scary b/c she told someone that she feels like she's getting dragged to the lion's den and is going to get eaten alive. And her choice of words was deliberate. So I guess the moral is, "Don't push for more than they are ready to give. Let them initiate. Or you'll end up with even more parts than what you started with." Which brings me back to my original dilemma - it gets so stinkin' confusing trying to keep track of everybody inside.

To Be or Not to Be

"The psychoanalytic theories of suicide prove, perhaps, only what was already obvious: that the processes which lead a man to take his own life are at least as complex and difficult as those by which he continues to live. The theories help untangle the intricacy of motive and define the deep ambiguity of the wish to die but say little about what it means to be suicidal, and how it feels."
A. Alvarez, The Savage God, 1971

Is suicide a viable choice? There is a part that knows God and therefore knows hope. Or does she? Isn't it more about "doing the right thing?" Suicide is a sin. Not a mortal sin that would damn one to hell, but a sin, nonetheless. We've been told in the past that only God is allowed to make the decision about life and death. That seems a bit unfair.

I say that there is no life here, so shouldn't I be allowed to take it if I so choose? There is no protection, no safety, from "them." The husband is ignorant of the true nature of the abuse that we suffered and the very real threat of physical, spiritual, and emotional damage that is imminent as he pulls away his covering and protection. It is up to me to make sure the littles are not destroyed and the only way to do that is to take our life before they can.

Not only is his lack of covering a problem, but his attacks upon our memories is unforgivable. The accusation that we're going crazy or being deceived by demons is more than we can bear. We were told repeatedly that we would not be believed - the stories are too outlandish. His vascilation between belief and unbelief is torturous. It sends the littles into a frenzy...they've told and not been believed - now there will be punishment for talking.

Therefore, all of the options must be seriously considered. And one of those is suicide. It's actually a noble decision, carefully thought out. It is not impulsive. It is taking lives to save lives. Saving them from hell here on earth - and possibly hell for eternity should "they" decide to kill them anyway. So it's best to make sure we think this all the way through.