To Be or Not to Be

"The psychoanalytic theories of suicide prove, perhaps, only what was already obvious: that the processes which lead a man to take his own life are at least as complex and difficult as those by which he continues to live. The theories help untangle the intricacy of motive and define the deep ambiguity of the wish to die but say little about what it means to be suicidal, and how it feels."
A. Alvarez, The Savage God, 1971

Is suicide a viable choice? There is a part that knows God and therefore knows hope. Or does she? Isn't it more about "doing the right thing?" Suicide is a sin. Not a mortal sin that would damn one to hell, but a sin, nonetheless. We've been told in the past that only God is allowed to make the decision about life and death. That seems a bit unfair.

I say that there is no life here, so shouldn't I be allowed to take it if I so choose? There is no protection, no safety, from "them." The husband is ignorant of the true nature of the abuse that we suffered and the very real threat of physical, spiritual, and emotional damage that is imminent as he pulls away his covering and protection. It is up to me to make sure the littles are not destroyed and the only way to do that is to take our life before they can.

Not only is his lack of covering a problem, but his attacks upon our memories is unforgivable. The accusation that we're going crazy or being deceived by demons is more than we can bear. We were told repeatedly that we would not be believed - the stories are too outlandish. His vascilation between belief and unbelief is torturous. It sends the littles into a frenzy...they've told and not been believed - now there will be punishment for talking.

Therefore, all of the options must be seriously considered. And one of those is suicide. It's actually a noble decision, carefully thought out. It is not impulsive. It is taking lives to save lives. Saving them from hell here on earth - and possibly hell for eternity should "they" decide to kill them anyway. So it's best to make sure we think this all the way through.