Welcome

Welcome to all who visit this site - whether purposely or by accident. What I want it to be is still developing. I'd like it to be a place that speaks truth and educates, a soapbox at times, somewhere to express what goes on deep within me, and ultimately a vehicle to bring hope to those who are struggling.

I expect that you will be privy to my own struggles, which will not be pretty. When I'm in the midst of a particularly difficult time, it can be ugly. Those who know me may be surprised. Eventually, however, I always come back around to being firmly rooted and grounded in my relationship with God. That's what ultimately holds me together. I was exposed to God through church and school growing up which resulted in lots of head knowledge, but it wasn't until I was 28 that I finally understood that He wasn't some angry Being waiting to hit me over the head as soon as I screwed up. I was blessed to have a pastor and his wife who have led me into the truth of what it means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. They also began teaching me about the reality of the spiritual realm. I now know that God was preparing me, through them, to come face to face with my own personal demons and a dissociated history that I could not have imagined in my worst nightmares.

God has been kind, giving me only little bits at a time, so as not to overwhelm me (although at times I question His wisdom). I've found that I am a multi-faceted person, with many different aspects often contradicting each other. It's disconcerting to have memories surface that seem so nebulous and disconnected.

The clinical term for what I experience is "dissociation." Dissociation occurs as a result of severe trauma in which the mind can't handle what is happening and separates itself from the event. The event then is relegated to the unconscious. Dissociation can take place on different levels. A person can "forget" the event itself, the emotions, or the physical sensations associated with it. When all of these take place simultaneously, the result is a completely dissociated memory.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as multiple personality disorder) occurs when the trauma is severe, prolonged, or repeated. The mind actually separates into distinct personalities/alters/parts whose responsibility is to hold the memory away from the conscious so that the individual can function in everyday life. This functioning, however, is on a continuum. For example, at the one end, she may be an addict with string of broken relationships and unable to hold a job, while at the other end she may be a successful businesswoman, homemaker, or student, with nothing to hint at the atrocities underlying the wonderful veneer that's been developed for all the world to see.

I hope that you will visit often and hopefully take away something that may make your life a little better than it was before. Be blessed.

WarriorBride