Facing the Fear

It's been ages since I've even thought of expressing myself in writing, let alone actually did something about it. Wait a sec, that's not quite true. I've often thought of speaking out on facebook about how I choose to live my life or weighing in on such heavy issues as politics, same sex marriage, and the like.  So why did I not follow through? The most dastardly of emotions...fear! 

So much of my life I've lived from a place of fear and the need for self-protection. My behavior has often been driven by a belief that I am not acceptable for who I am. That, in fact, I will be judged by what I do and will be found lacking. It has been difficult at times to hold on to my true identity as a child of God. That, and that alone is what makes me worthy. It is not me, but Christ within me, that makes me "right" with God and therefore, it does not need to matter what others think. That's actually easy for me to say, but difficult to implement in my own life, especially when I have no evidence to back up my claims that I am right with God in my life's choices.

The fear creeps in unnoticed, insidious in its ability to appear as nothing but smoke or shadows. I find myself avoiding anyone from whom I feel the need to hide parts of myself. The result? I become more and more isolated from others. As this happens, my anxiety kicks in and shame is soon to follow.

These two are my red flags that my thinking has become seriously skewed. As I trace them back to the original fear, I have to examine what triggers the fear. This most recent episode can be tied directly to a conscious choice I made early in August. This choice has left me in a position of potentially having to defend myself, something that I've avoided throughout my life as well. Why should others be allowed to judge my decisions without understanding that I take nothing lightly when it is controversial. I pray about it. I look for understanding in scripture. I talk about it with the man God brought to me. I seek out counsel from others at times. Most importantly, if I don't receive a direct yea or nay when facing a choice, I make the most humble decision I am capable of. That's right, I said humble. I make my choice with the attitude of openness. I remain open to the very great possibility that I could be waaaayyyyy wrong and please, Lord, show me the truth.

So I think that in an effort to put this repeated pattern to rest, I need to come clean about who I am, the way I live my life, and why.

                                                                  Stay tuned...