This past Saturday, after yet another argument with my significant other (SO), I found out that a friend from high school, with whom I'd been close on Facebook, died unexpectedly that morning. I was already in quite a vulnerable state, since my relationship seemed so rocky and I was feeling incredibly confused about what I'd done wrong...again.
I broke down and wept, ready to give up on life and trying to wrap my mind around why so much was going wrong at the same time. Earlier in the week, we had applied with a local organization for financial aid to help with our rent. The situation was not hopeful, despite my best efforts and the hours of work I had invested to make sure all the necessary paperwork was complete. This, only days after being released from the hospital and far from full health and strength.
Both of our businesses (we're self-employed) were falling apart, despite what I thought I'd heard from God about establishing mine within a year. That deadline is April 1st. Despite everything I'd done, clients were disappearing and my income was dropping significantly. Where was the establishing He'd promised?!
While talking to another classmate, an hour after the initial news, I was told that another person from school, with whom I'd talked a few times about very serious matters, had died the prior month. I fell apart and wanted to revert back to my old addictive habit of cutting to numb the pain. Thoughts of suicide were not far off. I wanted to run away, disappear, start over, and stop feeling.
While this battle raged within me, there were the competing thoughts that, all of this was an attempt to stop what was happening for the Kingdom of God. I started a small prayer circle via text with three friends from my old church less than a month ago. The Lord had renewed a passion for intercession and fighting through prayer for heaven's will to be done here on earth. At the same time, my SO returned to a men's group and was growing in his knowledge and understanding of, and relationship with all three parts of the Trinity. I was excited and hopeful, and knew that God was working in both our lives. These trials were designed to prepare and strengthen me, and I was hoping US, for the works of the Kingdom. The question running through my mind was, "How am I going to go through this? Will I let the enemy of my soul detour me and take me away from where my God was leading me? Would I stop praying and fighting because the price was too high?" I knew my answer would eventually be, "Hell, NO!" but I had to go through the questions to get there.
Feeling alone, I picked up my journal and what came out was a Psalm that flowed without thought but full of feeling and as I wrote, I wondered if this was the way it happened for David. This is that Psalm.
Lord, I am beaten, down, on the verge of giving up, quitting, running away. The enemy has been trying to run me off, make me disappear from the face of the earth, no longer useful in spreading the truth of who you are and setting captives free. He wants to see me dead, or at the very least, disabled. Why do I keep fighting? Why do I keep trying?
I will fight as long as there is breath in my body. I can't go back. As much as I might want to, I can't. Back is death. Back is loss. Forward is victory, no matter the outcome.
The person I depend on the most has forsaken me, left me for dead. My best friend has turned his back on me, seeing me now as an enemy. Restore me, Oh Lord! Bring back the joy we once shared. Do battle for me, Lord. Do not let the enemy encroach any further.
Enough! Oh God! How much more can I take? How much is enough to accomplish your purposes, your will? Why do you not act? Why do you not move heaven and earth to help me? Where are you? Why do you delay? Where is your hope? Your peace? Where is your salvation?
Act now, Oh Lord, to save! Come quickly to rescue us! How long do we have to stay in the grave? How long will death rule over us? How can we move in power when we are dead? Do you care? Are you working?
I don't know what you're doing but I cling to you. Who else can I turn to? Who else has the power, the authority to act? You alone are ruler of heaven and earth. You alone are above all things and sit as judge on your throne. Seated above all things, you judge right and wrong. You as perfect judge, can decide in my favor. You alone can order my enemy to cease and desist. You alone can set all things right. I entreat you, Judge of the Universe, to battle for us. Set us free, Oh God! Silence the accuser. Slam him into the ground and make him turn tail and run. Run him off in your great power.
Act quickly, Oh Lord! My strength is failing. My eyes are swollen with tears. My body aches from shaking. Where are you, my Father?! Why do you leave us to rot? Can we do any good if we are corpses? Because we are dying. The enemy has been having a field day, capitalizing on all of our hurts, fears, and sin. He knows all the buttons to push.
But you know those buttons all too well. You can turn him away and seal off the buttons. You can take the buttons away through your great power. Your fame goes before you. Your reputation speaks for you.
So why do we not see the One behind the history, the testimonies, behind the great works you did when you were here? Do you care less about your people and your creation than you did then? Do you care less about us than you did about your people Israel? You rescued them time and time again with miracles so great that your fame was made known to all the nations. Are we not important to you? How can we be any good to you if you don't show up?
You said you would take care of us. You said you would fight for us. You said you have overcome the world. If we are hated because of you, then we need your power to move through this world. Save us, Oh Lord! Move in power! Rescue us! Make us strong enough to survive the plots and plans and snares of the enemy. Restore to me my family, my best friend.
Search me, Oh Lord, and wherever there is sin, eradicate it. Humble me. Make me to seek your will and your ways. Strengthen me to stand, Make me run towards you, towards the battle line.
Do not let me be put to shame. Do not humiliate me in front of my enemies. You promised a feast in the Valley of Death in front of those who seek to destroy me.
Give me your plans and vision, Oh Lord! Infuse me with more power, more strength. Plant me firmly in good soil on the banks of your River of Life. Let me drink deeply of your life-giving water that satisfies and restores my soul.
You say that goodness and mercy will follow me all my life. Where are they? I'm being chased all over by fear and hate instead. Where are your guards? Where are those you assigned to protect me? Why do I keep missing you? Why do I not hear you clearly? Why does resurrection not come? Where is your truth that sets us free? Where is your abundant life?
I will keep seeking you, always. I don't understand your ways. They are too glorious to comprehend. With my last breath I will praise you. Even when I am close to death, I will still seek you.
The enemy wants to kill me, to steal from me, to destroy me. You came to destroy him, so do it! Why do you wait? My strength is failing and I've all but resigned myself that the enemy will keep trying, over and over and over again.
Take my tears, for they are many, and add them to the bowls filled with my prayers. Let them soften you to move NOW! I wait for your salvation. I wait for you to move. I will perish, and my world, too, if you don't act now. Show me who you are. Reveal yourself to me.
Show me that you care for me as much as you did your son. Am I not an adopted daughter? Do I not have the same hopes and expectations and permission to enter your presence? Do I not move you to compassion for me, for us? You alone are our salvation. Only you can win this battle. Do what you need to do but only if you will strengthen me and bring your peace. March 19, 2016
On March 21, in my daily time alone with the Lord, I was scheduled to read Psalm 30 out of The Message Bible. The Lord was gracious in letting me know He heard my cries.
I give you all the credit, Yahweh -
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.
Yahweh, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
Yahweh, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chnce at life
when I was down and out.
All you saints! Sing your hearts our to Yahweh!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.
When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm Yahweh's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.
I called out to you, Yahweh;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"
You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
Yahweh, my God,
I can't thank you enough
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