Leaving

Why is it so difficult to following through with leaving the husband? Neither he nor the niece we've been raising really care about what we're going through. Things keep going from bad to worse. She's a bitch, using people for whatever serves her purposes. There's no give and take, only grabbing for whatever she can get her hands on. She demeans and belittles us so that she can feel better about herself. No respect. And oh so narcisstic, angling for what can best suit her purposes. She's sweet enough to make your teeth hurt one minute and the next, she's so vicious you feel like your teeth were kicked in. You give and give but every once in a while lose your temper, verbally assault her, dish out what she's given. All anyone remembers are the bad things you've said and done. Never amazed at the sacrifices you've made so she could have a better life, let alone grateful. And he's so whipped by her that he continually allows himself to be taken in by her batting eyelashes and incessent wheedling. "She's had such a hard life," he says. That justifies giving her whatever she asks for and condones whatever she does. Neither are capable of accepting their part in whatever bad takes place in their lives. We're the easy scapegoat. And when they join forces, it's enough to make me want to die, or get drunk, or cut, and sever my losses and run like hell.

So I begin to make plans for my life that don't include them. And as I do, I'm struck by the major changes I will face. Changes that they won't have to do deal with. Why should I be the one to move, leaving behind wonderful, treaused animal companions who have been a source of life and comfort for years? Why should I have to think about not making ends meet? Why should I give up the yard with the view that takes your breath away? Why should I be the one to reinvent myself? Their lives will continue as if untouched. Perhaps even better. She won't have anyone to interfere by setting limits and boundaries. He won't have anyone to be responsible to or nag him about his drinking. And the effects of the abuse, which cause instability within us and rapid switching of alters, is the perfect excuse for them to say, "See. It wasn't us...she was crazy!"

What will we really be missing? Intimacy and partnership does not exist in the marriage. There is no emotional or spiritual support available from the husband. We're verbally attacked often. He has pulled away through drinking, work, and his family. There's little cooperation in raising this child we've taken in. There won't be any mother-daughter conversations because they've never existed. Whatever offsping she produces will barely acknowledge me as grandmother, if at all. Her future spouse will view me as a shrew since that is how she paints me. I will continually feel like an outsider looking in on their father-daughter relationship. So why do we stay? He provides a good home. Makes sure that a roof is kept over our head and food on the table. There are clothes to wear. He's a good provider. I don't look at him as a meal ticket. It's just nice to know that he's responsible in that way. He wouldn't be fair, however, should a divorce ensue. He'd try to take everything he could get.

So other parts raise cautions. Get scared of the changes. Fear of not making it on our own keeps us from moving forward towards freedom and chain us to this place and these people. Still others move deeper into hopelessness and despair, realizing that the only out seems to be death. Those parts aren't able to survive where we are and certainly can't survive out there on their own. There are too many dissenting opinions so we're left frozen, right where we are. Our tongues stuck to the flagpole, unable to rip it loose for fear of the pain and loss.

Can we hold out for another few years until we complete school and get a job - just to be self-sufficient? Can we wait until the older two pets finally pass on so when we leave, we can start again? How do we traverse the next 730 some odd days without it becoming so bad that we wind up dead instead of free? We are invisibly bound to one another. How long 'til those are broken?