Round One

Round One took place this morning via voicemail. I was working out when the phone rang. Although I couldn't really hear for sure who the caller was, I immediately felt on edge. Within seconds I found myself praying in my prayer language and at times I felt very threatened and my praying increased. When the caller was done (actually she was cut off due to limited space on the answering machine), the praying subsided. However, I felt very drained of energy and had to cut that portion of my workout short. I checked caller id and sure enough, it was good ole' mom. I knew it was essential to prepare myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally before listening to the message, so I went through the second part of my workout and even took a shower.

During that time I examined the emotional responses I had in just suspecting that it was my mother calling. I realized that the most overwhelming emotion was fear. That, in and of itself, told me something. They were terrified just to hear her voice. Insiders felt very afraid that "they" would come and get them, and that they would get into trouble because they were telling and talking about this stuff.

I expected anger. I expected something from my father. What I should have been prepared for, but wasn't, was what I've been getting all along - my weepy mother. I tried to listen from a position of emotional distance to pick up on inconsistencies and ideas that sounded good, but when picked apart, masked something else. Overall, I think I did a pretty good job. I kept feeling myself getting sucked in, but then would come to my senses and pull back.

The jist of what she said was this:

1. My letter was an answer to prayer. (How in the world could accusations of the type I made be an answer to prayer?)
2. She defended her phone call to my pastor's wife as having been looking for my pastor because she was soooo worried about me and didn't understand why I had pulled away. (This is actually a twist on what I had been told by my pastor's wife.)
3. She explained every conversation and visit with my mother-in-law has having legitimate reasons having absolutely nothing to do with me. She went on to blame my mother-in-law for continually bringing me up in conversation. (In some ways, I can certainly see my mother-in-law wanting to try to fix things, even though she has no idea what has gone on, but my mother was certainly not innocent in this. The last note she sent me stated that she intended to call my mother-in-law to find out our daughter's graduation date and future plans. When our house was being built, my mother was supposedly invited by my mother-and brother-in-law to see it. While I was initially angry with my in-laws, my mother should have respected my request to leave my family alone and realized that it would be a huge invasion of our privacy.)
4. It was apparent from what she said that she has been talking with my younger sister. This sister said that she took ONE psychology class in college (15 years ago) and said that the words I had used in my letter were exactly the words used in her textbook. There's only one place that this could go - that I've been changed through secular psychology. (Oh my gosh!!!! Of course I'm going to use the proper terminology! How else would you phrase "satanic ritual abuse" and "mind control programming?" And ONE class? Sure - she's the expert now. Sorry to burst that bubble, but the memories started coming while I was still in core classes like English and Science. In fact, I can't really recall, even though I'm now in my master's, any discussion in any book or class about ritual abuse.)
5. My mother said that they would like to meet with me. They want my pastor there because they know that he's my friend and they want my oldest brother there because they don't want any misunderstanding. (Interesting that they would demand what THEY want when I clearly stated in my letter that I would meet with them on MY terms.)

What is glaringly missing from all of this is my father's response. Although my letter does not allocate blame to one or the other specifically, wouldn't he be the likely candidate who sexually abused me? So why is it that he, thoughout these last five years, has kept silent, with the exception one short letter (which was so insignificant that I don't even recall what it said)? And why has he not weighed in on this last, most obvious indictment of his character?

I admit that after listening to the message, I was temporarily thrown into confusion. What had I done? I had made a terrible mistake and was now going to be shown up as a fool. Not only that, but I would have to spend the rest of my days making amends for the horrible accusations I had made and the years of torture I had put my family through. I was undeserving of such a patient and loving family. I got far away from the phone and sat at the top of the stairs and let all the voices inside have their say. It became apparent that many younger parts were picturing themselves going back to the family and willingly becoming "yes" people again. "Yes, mommy. Yes, daddy. You're right and we're wrong." Along with that came another picture of not having a life independent of them. I would not finish school. I would not work. I would simply live for my family (and I don't mean my husband and daughter). Other parts saw the flaws in my mother's words, but their influence was not as strong as the younger ones. So I prayed. And I believe that God said, "Hold firm. Do not waver. I will show you if and where you are wrong." The last sentence did not seem to be about the abuse itself, but more about specifics of memories and understanding that are yet to come.

The fact that I'm dissociative and have all these different parts is, in and of itself, a telling sign that the ritual abuse did, in fact, take place. Go figure. If there is nothing else to hold onto, that is still apparent. My insiders have not gone away.

And to all my insiders: GREAT, GREAT JOB! YOU HAVE DONE A PHENOMENAL JOB OF WORKING THROUGH EVERYTHING TODAY! I AM IMMENSELY PROUD OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU FOR TALKING AND LISTENING TO EACH OTHER AND SHARING HERE AND NOT LETTING "THEM" GET THE UPPER HAND. WAY TO GO!